Pugs & Kelly Live: Blog

I just lost all my work for the night. A little power glick. The TV was unaffected... thank god because I didn't miss any of the female beach volleyball action... the lights barely flickered, the turtle filter shifted a bit... but the computer went completely dead. So, all my night's work is gone.

but here is a little something about the Olympics...

Male synch springboard diving is incredibly boring yet I couldn't stop watching it. I do think it's funny when somebody really screws up though. Silly Russian hitting his feet on the bored.

Silly Canada... you can't do anything in the sun. You're people are melting out there.

Great Britain... how does it feel to be mediocre in everything?

Thorpedo... "Oooo look at me I rock.. I bet a kid.. ooooo look at me".

It bothers me when I hear a swimmer saying that they'd like to make one or two in the preliminaries.... makes me queasy. I'm sure the other swimmers don't appreciate that and as a view I don't particularly want to see that.

Go US male gymnastics team for being first loser. OK, that was mean... good job guys. You medaled, it's been forever since the Americans did that. The Japanese are tough... they're really bendy.

Water Polo is a stupid sport and just an excuse for muscled up ivy leaguers to splish splash with third world Eastern Europeans. The announcers sounded bored.

Overheard while watching Male beach volleyball... "The lefty with the big crank!!!"... "the Australians got spanked... got spanked real bad"

if ping pong, beach volleyball, and badminton are Olympic sports then why the hell isn't dodgeball?

Power lifting is an exercise... somebody should propose the stationary bike Olympic event... or the bowflex team. jumping jacks?

Opening ceremony, anybody else notice that when they did that really cheesy symbolic run through the tape representing each Olympic city that Berlin broke before the runner got there? Take that Hitler! The Greek team, according to the opening ceremony, is made up of hot college coeds, male underwear models, and bikini models. The cheesey techno music reminded me that Europeans are silly. Bjork came out and made me want to vomit. her dress exploded and covered all the athletes which I think was symbolism. It meant "the whole world can fit in Bjork's private area".

The Olympic torch looks like a big joint.

I also wrote lyrics to go along with the Olympic fanfare...

Yay For the Olympics!
It's so much fun
to watch everyone!
yay for the olympics
come on, shake yo' pants
lets do the olympic dance!

now you can sing-a-long at home.

and for all those who were concerned... yes, I survived Hurricane Charley.

hey hey hey... just lost it again. hey hey hey... about to lose my mind... hey hey hey.... anybody got a bat I could break over my head? I have a blinding migraine now.

NOW FOR THE SHOW...

Pugs asks Kelly about her passport status because he wants to go to Bhutan. He wants some tea and demands Cody. Kelly was looking over Olympic events to see what she could pick up at her age. Archery seems like a good fit but it's boring so, Kelly is going to have to pass on the Olympics in this lifetime. Kelly missed the opening ceremony and PUgs explains that it was 4 hours of really bad Broadway musical crap. He's never had the desire to go to Athens until now because it looks beautiful. He thinks the basketball team is playing like their worried about shots coming from the rafters. Pugs chuckles about NBA stars having their asses handed to them by Puerto Rico. Kelly reminds Pugs that the two things that Puerto Rico is all about is tamales and basketball. Pugs draws our attention to the TV and Eric laughs because they're watching the air rifle competition. Pugs is outraged by stupid ass Olympic sports. Kelly thinks they're dressed like storm troopers and she wonders if it's safe to have people walking around with guns at these Olympic events. Pugs is fascinated that the Asians dominate air rifle and Kelly reminds us that we won World War II. We hear Ju win the gold medal and break a new world record. Kelly is fairly certain that Eddie Boyd could shoot better than these people. Kelly informs us that Will the blogger (me) informed her (via IM) that he wouldn't think that the Asians would be good at shooting because their eyes don't even open up all that much. Kelly brings up how the Olympic committee is upset with Greece because nobody is coming to these events and she compares the pictures to the Anniversary party they had at the track a couple of years ago...here are pictures from that one... Steve calls in to explain the storm trooper armor... yep... Steve says that shooting is very difficult and Kelly reminds us that just because it's hard doesn't mean it should be an Olympic sport. Kelly is upset because Tyson was talking about how hot the beach volleyball chicks are and how they can't stop watching them. Kelly thinks that's fine Kurt Vollers and Tyson can sit around with their units in their hands watching beach volleyball. One of them is gay anyway cause the announcers said that she was dating their coach and her coach is a chick. Pugs is mock-surprised that we have a gay Olympic athlete. Kelly is mock-shocked that we have a gay volleyball player... shock of all shocks. Pugs brings up how he's all about the US female gymnastics team and Kelly hopes that he focuses on Mo the 25 year old. Pugs brings up the cheesy tattoo on her ankle that they keep focusing on to show that she has edge. Kelly has seen the girl with the nasty scar on her ankle and wonders if it's one of the Courtneys. Pugs thinks that Courtney McCoole is a bad ass name and she is his favorite because of her name. Kelly draws our attention to the female weight lifting that's on right now and Pugs thinks that's hot... the announcer says that they take the weight from the snatch... everyone giggles. She fails and Pugs lets her know that she sucks. Kelly thinks that she had too much weight in her snatch. The Polish competitor enters and Eric is.. whoaed. Kelly thinks she has nice scrunches and Pugs thinks it's a man baby. He likes how she's completely roided out but she has the pink bows in her hair. She does it! Pugs applauds that the broad just shanked 215 pounds over her head like it was nothing. Pugs lets us know that he's in an argument with Wayne, from the Down Under Pub and Grub, about who's going to win more medals. Wayne calls in and Pugs asks him how the Australian beach volleyball team did. Wayne gives us the medal count...

USA
gold- 1
silver- 4
bronze- 3
total- 8

Australia
gold-5
silver-1
bronze- 3
total- 9

Canada (for Dr. Schwartz)
ZERO!

Pugs wants to see how well the Australians do against Canada and the United States in the winter Olympics and Wayne informs us that the winter Olympics don't count. Wayne promotes the Thorpedo vs Phelps tonight. Pugs thinks that "Thorpedo" is the coolest nickname at the Olympics. Wayne thinks that Ian Thorpe is so fast because he has a nose like a... "rutter".... Kelly thinks that swimming guys have hot faces. Kelly finds Wayne's naivety incredibly cute because they always wait for the strong finishes for the world favorites. Kelly teaches us that we're just building the drama and lulling people into a false sense of security. Wayne complains about the harassing voice mail that Pugs has been leaving.. "what happened to your beach volleyball team? WHAT WHAT!!!"... and the text messages that Aaron has sent him "Australia SUCKS!"... Kelly wants to know if all Australians peak this early.

*break*

It's time for the Pugs and Kelly institute for human Growth and development. Pugs reads and E-mail from "T". He misspells a lot of things. His girlfriend of three years just left him. He has no friends and has nobody to talk to about it. She was his best and only friend. He knows that he should just move on but he's not good with talking to new people. He can't get her out of his mind and misses her dearly. He wants someone to help him get her back. Michael, the guy that sent the E-mail, calls in and says that we should refer to the girl as Elizabeth. He explains how they met. He was a bouncer at a club around where they lived and her mother came in to the club. She got drunk and Elizabeth had to come to pick her up. Pugs says that he can identify with Michael because he too had a girl that he cared for deeply turn his world upside down. Pugs knows what he did wrong and he wants to know what Michael did. Pugs explains that you have to change and warns that you can't fake it. Pugs tried to fake it for months but it didn't cut it. Michael says that it was building up for a few months. A buddy and him went to a small town and got hammered. He didn't come home till 4 am and he didn't remember anything that he did that night. The next day she got a call from his sister saying that a girl called his mom's house. Michael claims that he has no idea how she got that number but admits that he probably gave it to her. He lets us know that he stopped drinking because of it. Pugs and Kelly asks when the last time he talked to her and he lets them know that it was a week ago. Michael's phone is messing up and Kelly says that they'll get Sybil to call him back. Elizabeth calls in and explains that it was a long relationship filled with nothing but bad things. Pugs wonders to know if she ever had any instances in the past where she would have reason to believe that he may have been cheating. Elizabeth says that she has caught him in lies about where he was the night before because he always had a bad story.

*break*

We're back with Michael and Elizabeth. Pugs and Kelly ask Elizabeth if Michael's E-mail is heartfelt and she believes that it is. However, she feels that so much bad stuff has happened during their relationship that she doesn't know what to do. Elizabeth informs us that she's 23 and that Michael is 25. Pugs does the math, cause he's super smart like that, and figures out that they've been together since she was 20 and he was 22. She explains that when she wanted to go to a bar or a club with her friends, he would have a big problem with it and they would fight. Later, he would show up at that place. She thinks that the mistrust on her part is only about 1/10 of the problem. He had to know where she was all of the time. Kelly thinks that's a huge red flag. Pugs kind of feels for him in this aspect and explains that you have to keep reigns on a hot girl. Kelly thinks that you keep reigns on a horse. She also says that he set up a tape recorder at home because he suspected her of cheating. Michael joins us and says that it was a dumb mistake from an insecure man. He explains that some people need a big slap in the face to realize what they're doing wrong in their life and that "slap" was her actually leaving. Kelly reminds us that when a woman says that she'll leave... she isn't kidding. Pugs teaches us that you can never take someone you're in love with, for granted because they will leave. Pugs use to tell people that she just left one day and she would tell everybody, "no signs? I cried myself to sleep for 6 months,". Pugs realized that she was right and at the time figured it was just women troubles. Kelly says that she wold be crying and Shemp would tell her that he wished he could help. Elizabeth says that the "girl calling the parents' house" story wasn't the one that broke the camels back. After that, he came home at 5:30 am one morning and lied about where he was. They got into an argument and he pushed her. Michael explains that he was drunk that night too. Kelly warns Michael, using her Oprah knowledge, that he has some serious wife beater tendencies. Pugs reveals that his plan was to be on his side but admits that Michael isn't making that very easy. Kelly tells Michael that he needs to move on because there is no chance of it happening again. She thinks that Michael needs to take this time for self-reflection so that when the right girl comes into his life, he won't be crazy anymore. Pugs warns that any type of John Cusack a la "Say Anything" only works in the movies and ends with you in handcuffs. Pugs invites Michael to dodgeball so that he can meet more people. Pugs says that if he feels low to just E-mail him and he'll coach him through it. Kelly suggest going into the Pugs and Kelly chatroom because there are a ton of people to talk to in there. Michael lets us know that he's going to find himself and Kelly hopes that he doesn't find himself on Elizabeth's porch. Blake calls in and says that the guy is a rookie and needs to get dumped at least three more times until he gets it right. James, former intern James, calls in to say that Elizabeth sounds hot and after all the stuff that she's been through she needs a good rebound guy. He lets her know that he's going to be at dodgeball on Wednesday. James informs us that he's really inspired by Pugs and Kelly helping others and that he seeks to help out in the ways that he can too.

*break*

SYBILIZATION AS WE KNOW IT!

Pugs notices that Kelly brought her own lunch and Kelly lets him know that she's been doing that for a year now. Pugs says that he wants a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and Kelly reminds him that he can make his own peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Pugs explains that his wouldn't be as good because a peanut butter and jelly sandwich taste better when made by somebody that has passed a child through their uterus. Pugs thinks that if Sybil and Kelly each made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich using the same materials, Kelly's would be better because she has the mommy love. Kelly gives Pugs a bite of her sandwich and Pugs proclaims that it's the best peanut butter and jelly sandwich ever.

1. A British woman was taking a flight from England to New York via Air France. At the gate, she was told that she couldn't possibly be seated because she has no arms and legs. The lady at the gate informed her that a torso couldn't possibly fly.

Pugs thinks that you could just put her in a football helmet or store her in the overhead compartment. Pugs informs us that Sybil recited every "what do ya call a" joke in preparation for this news story.

Sybil:
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs on the wall?
Art

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs on the porch?
Matt (mat)

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs on the grill?
Chuck

What do you call a girl with no arms and no legs on the grill?
Pattie

What do you call a girl with one leg?
Eileen (I lean)

What do you call an Asian girl with one leg?
Irene (I rean)

Pugs:
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in the water?
Bob.

Pugs: What do you call a girl with no arms and no legs trying to board an Air France flight?

Sybil: Carrie Hohn (Carry on)

Pugs reminds us that they can't all be grand slams. Kelly tells us that the person that has a better punch line wins an Ipod.

2. Nikki Hilton was married in Vegas over the weekend at 2:30 am. Paris Hilton, Nicole Ritchie, and Bijou Phillips was in attendance. She is now Nikki Miester.
Pugs points out that this a cornucopia of New York night scene skank. Pugs thinks that any guy would date her for the free rooms alone. Saturday morning, you want to go take a dip.. you drive on down to the local Hilton and jump in the pool... let them try to kick you out you're banging the bosses daughter. Kelly loves the fact that she's the Nikki Miester now.

3. Keanu Reeves proposed to his girlfriend Autumn Macintosh.
Kelly thinks that's some really hippie parents that named that girl. Kelly informs us that her boyfriend thinks that a life preserver would make a good punch line to the joke and she thinks that's stupid. Pugs teaches us that she wouldn't float and tells us to test it by throwing a turkey into a swimming pool. Kelly thinks that sometimes he's funny but sometimes he doesn't see that thinks have to be based in reality. Pugs says that it's OK because he had a great first half on Saturday.

4. Charlie Watts, drummer from the Rolling Stones, has been diagnosed with throat cancer. He's expected to make a full recovery.
Pugs thinks that Charlie has aged far worse than the other members of the band and compares him to a junior high math teacher.

5. Hal Sparks traded numbers with Anais. She's dated Fred Durst and some douche from Puddle of Mudd.
Pugs points out that he's getting sloppy three hundredths.

*break*