Tonight's winner was Duke's. Duke's, who have been losing power lately, is made up of dodgeball gods. They most have put a mortgage on their soul and refinanced because they seemed to be in rare form tonight. The chaos that erupted every time they played caused me to lose focus... or it may have been the large amount of vodka and beer I drank... but one of them threw a ball in my direction and the wake that it left nearly knocked me over... again it could have just been the foolish combination of vodka and beer. Congratulations Duke's.
Will's Amazing Player (WAP) for week 24 is... Jimbo Hamrick! Jimbo is the dorkier younger brother of James "Napoleon" Hamrick. The dodgeball gene must be strong in their family because, Jimbo was every bit as dominate as James. Jimbo also gets points for pulling off the "starring in a gay redneck porno" look. Congratulations Jimbo, you are a WAP. This dodgeball fan salutes you.
Dodgeball is coming to an end and my soul is saddened. A life with out Pugs and Kelly Dodgeball at Duke's Original Roadhouse on Wednesday night? Is that even possible now? While I'm sure I'll get over it eventually, I decided that I will honor the dodgeball athlete by giving out awards. Every week until we're done I shall put up a poll that I feel best represents an aspect of dodgeball that is important. If you have any ideas for this you can E-mail me at will@pugsandkellylive.com
Who make's a funnier dodgeball face?
David's "oh man I just crapped my pants" face?
or
Smith's "I'm gonna get you suckah" face?
Kelly says that I had a good blog yesterday and Pugs says that once again the blog seems better than the actually show. He lets us know that he has a few depression issues and he took a pill yesterday for that. He never normally takes this pill and this was why he may have seemed empty yesterday. It makes him like.. ... .... ... .... Pugs explains that his was a pill that his ex-wife always wanted him to take but Kelly didn't want him too because the show's they would do while he was under it's influence would suck. Kelly thinks that he just has to find the right pill. Pugs complains that one of the side-effects of this pill is a limp noodle. Pugs was visiting his "friend" for dinner and afterward they played a little one-on-one basketball. He admits that she completely schooled him. Pugs brings up his triumphant basketball victory over Smith. He scored the first two buckets and quit. Now for the rest of Smith's life he will be haunted with the fact that a big fat rolly polly fat guy from the suburbs beat him in basketball. Switching focus back to his "power failure", they went for a roll in the hay and Pugs was unable to bring it immediately. He assures us that it eventually worked. Pugs brings up how it's the worse feeling in the world when you're trying to get "it" to respond when it won't. He asks Sybil if she ever had any problems of that nature and she wonders if he means when her penis isn't erect. Pugs clarifies that he means that a guy with her had problems rising to the occasion. She says after drinking. Eric says that you feel like less of a man and you're very apologetic. It's starts to snowball in your head. Pugs claims that there is no way to look seductive when you're trying to work it up. Kelly and Sybil agree that sometimes you just want to call it a night when the guy starts to have problems. A guy calls in to say that he had penis problems with a girl he was cheating with. The girl worked with him and he didn't want the word to get spread around the office. Next time he brought a little medical support. Eric says that he had his power failure spread around by a girl at Pom Poms. Eric doesn't remember her name and Pugs remembers that it was that chick with the HUGE CANS. Pugs and Kelly remember that she was the grill that said "I don't need no education... I'll just sit around and get high with my mom". Pugs heard of a few of the guys at dodgeball that get power failure. A guy calls in to say that he has the opposite problem. His problem is that he takes to long to finish. Pugs accuses him of bragging and Kelly teaches Pugs that his problem is probably even worse. Pugs doesn't seem to understand. A woman calls in to say that she has "wooo wooo" problems. She worries that her husband doesn't want to be... down there... that long and it makes her unable to get there. Pugs teaches us that black guys don't like to do that because it's demeaning to a man.
*break*
Kelly teases the Tom Jane text message. Pugs points out that she just teased the Tom Jane texting. Kelly says that there are three things that she needs.
A. Somebody that picks up donations. Kelly has a lot of stuff to donate and needs somebody to take it out of her garage. Pugs wonders if any of this stuff is one of a kind Dallas Cowboy merchandise.
B. A locksmith. Kelly needs her locks changed ASAP.
C. Kelly suggest that Duke's should change their motto from "it's where your friends are" to "it's where your ex-boyfriends shouldn't be. If you've ever dated Kelly, this excludes people that have been married to her in the past, you are not allowed to go to Duke's. There is no reason for you to go there. Kelly points out that technically she works there.
Pugs wants to know what Kelly is getting at. Pugs wants all his friends to gather around because they have some pool winnings to distribute. Kelly is pretty sure that Tyson and her broke up. He stopped speaking to her and she took the hint. Kelly says that Tyson claims that she broke up with him and he heard it from a bartender. Kelly says that she's really manic right now. Pugs thinks that Kelly did break up with him. She informs us that Tyson picked a fight with her for no good reason and then hung up on her. Kelly discussed his belongings later and he claimed that Jana, best damn Duke's bartender ever, said that Kelly wasn't talking to him. Kelly wonders why the hell Tyson went to Duke's because he claims to hate it. Kelly points out that Tyson lives in Las Colinas and Duke's isn't on the way to any thing else. Kelly says that there are plenty of other bars in Texas and that there is no reason why he should go to that one. Pugs wonders how Kelly would feel if Tyson showed up, with a lady, on a night that she was working there. Kelly thinks that's a jerky thing to do. Pugs is happy to hear that because he remembers that 2 years ago, he had this same exact problem. Sybi's sister showed up to one of their Bell Bottoms appearances with her new boyfriend. Pugs remembers that he was the one called the overreacting idiot. Kelly points out that she said that was wrong of Krysta. She also remembers that even Sybil said it was wrong. Pugs is outraged because he remembers how everyone was against him. Pugs consoles Kelly and reminds us that we all liked him (Tyson). Pugs suggests that it just ran it's course but admits that he doesn't think that they're actually done. Kelly tells him again that Tyson isn't speaking with her and she was trying very hard to not text, call, or IM him. Unfortunately, ambien kicked in last night. Pugs points out how many eligible dudes are going to be hitting on her now. Kelly talks about how Wayne, from the Down Under Pub and Grub, is giving her motivational messages and Pugs groans. Pugs has banned Wayne from flirting with her. Pugs doesn't want any of his friends dating Kelly because she's like his sister. He also assures Kelly that he'll stay away from her friends. Kelly points out that she only has one friend and Pugs has already dated her. Pugs and Kelly remind all potential daters that EVERYTHING YOU DO GETS BACK TO THEM. When you break up with someone and you're e-mails are filled with information on that person... it sucks. Kelly jokes that she's cheering on Al Johnson to become the greatest center that the Dallas Cowboys will ever have. Chad calls in to remind her how she likes to date people at work and suggest dating Gavin. Kelly corrects him, she doesn't date people at work, she marries them. Kelly decided that she's going to date Keith Olberman and Pugs doesn't think she can get that. Kelly is looking at this as a challenge. Pugs thinks that she's putting the bar too high because what guy thinks that he could compete with a guy that has his own TV show. Kelly reminds us that if you set the bar high and fail, it's not that embarrassing. However, if you set the bar really low and fail, it's the end of the world. Pugs points out how many guys are going to hit on her, again. A guy calls in to say that she should take up boating and meet peniszilla. Kelly goes through the list of requirements for dating her.
1. Age 35 or older
2. Must want to be married again and have more kids (not in the next year or anything but in sometime in the near future)
3. Must be good to her kids.
4. Her kids must like you.
5. BE EMPLOYED (got to have the J.O.B. if you want to be with me.
6. I don't know
7. Funny
8. Like what you do, passionate, driven... but not obsessed, unless she's annoyed by you and needs you to work more so that she can have more time alone.
Travis calls in to suggest her dating Russ. Kelly reminds us that Russ doesn't want to have kids and that his idea of a perfect relationship is that she lives in one place and he lives in another. Kelly received an IM from Dr. Schwartz that tells her to not sell herself short and insist on no open sores. Pugs suggest a guy that might be a little young, Bowie Hogg. Richard calls in to say that she should date Pugs. Kelly points out that Pugs is dating somebody but Pugs talks about how good this would be for their show. Pugs imagines how she would react if he was to start trying to kiss on her and Kelly thinks that he would be really drunk or was trying to pull a bit. Darrel calls in to discuss Kelly getting her swirl on. Kelly doesn't understand what he means and he teaches her that getting your "swirl on" means to date black man. Kelly thinks that she can't date anybody that uses the term "swirl on" because they'd have a hard time communicating. She reminds everyone that she is a white girl from the suburbs. Gavin enters the studio and tells us that he would like to give Kelly a few extra weeks of vacation. Pugs asks Gavin if he would date a co-worker and Gavin says that he's not allowed. Gavin assures us that Kelly is a great catch. Pugs and Kelly think that he's making it seem as if she's not a great catch.
*break*
Kelly is text messaging Tom Jane.
SYBILIZATION AS WE KNOW IT
1. What do teenage students, doctors, and lawyers have in common? According to some group thing in San Francisco, they're the worse drivers in America. The company keeps track of accidents and the top 5 groups for accidents are teenage students, doctors, lawyers, real estate agents, and architects.
Pugs reminds us that teenagers are idiots and they lack the life experience that helps them realize how dangerous they are out on the road. They also lack the drive time. Pugs thinks that doctors and lawyers think that the rules don't apply to them. They also use their cell phones too much.
The top 5 safest drivers are farmers... Pugs points out that big tractors don't go that fast... firemen, pilots, politicians, and homemakers. RJ calls in to say that the worse drivers he sees are 'the orientals" and the Hispanic women that "don't speak no English".
2. In Green Bay, weed was being grown in front of their courthouse.
Kelly suggest that they go have Cody do that for fun. Pugs reminds us that canibus grows everywhere in Wisconsin. Pugs wonders if "ditch weed" grows all over Texas and Eric thinks that it gets a little too hot here. He teaches us that it has a little "tender, love, and care" if you want to grow it down here. Pugs points out that if you make you're own weed, it's better. Eric talks about how bad Mexican dirt grass is when compared to the home grown around here.
3. Star Jones got bleeped on "The View" when she told Anna Nicole that she's "strictly dickly" after Anna Nicole suggested that Star touch her.
Pugs talks about how fat girls with big boobs think it's OK for them to be overweight. He reminds us that a fat girl with big boobs is just a fat girl with big boobs.
4. Sharon Osbourne was on a UK talkshow and she called Nicole Kidman a "skinny cow who needs a bloody good meal and she needs to eat a sandwich".
Kelly wonders how you can be a skinny cow. A girl calls in to ask Pugs if he'd rather date a fat chick with huge boobs or a skinny chick with none. Pugs says a skinny one with no boobs and points to his ex-wife as an example. He also says that he has no problem with a girl with a few extra pounds however, Star Jones is over 300 pounds. The girl reminds Pugs that it's just more "cushion for the pushin" and Pugs thinks that she should stop trying to justify heavy set girls and suggest that she gets on a treadmill. Greg Hill, former KC chief running back and co-host of the New You Show, calls in to talk about Star Jones. In 98, he did "The View" to promote the NFL's best body calendar, Greg was Mr. February. The whole cast took them out to eat the night before. He sat next to Star Jones and she rubbed her bare feet on her the whole time. Greg tells us that he was really irritated but he knew he had to go on the show the next day. The next day, he was in the green room. She walks in, tells Greg how cute he is, and started rubbing on his arm. She was breathing really hard and Greg points out how disgusting it is when a big girl breathes that hard. Greg gives her the "nasty big girl" title. Pugs asks about the duck situation and Greg says that his dog got a hold of two ducks.
*break*
Kelly forgot her computer today and now she's stuck reading "Us". She thinks she's dumber for reading it. She gives props to the under cover journalist at "Us" who have discovered that Kirsten Dunst has worn the same shoes three times in a row. Pugs compares Us Weekly to the special Olympics and People to the regular Olympics. Pugs takes the magazine in order to look at Beyonce. Kelly thinks she's the most in shape size 12 that she's seen. Pugs doesn't find Jay-Z attractive and Kelly agrees that he's funny looking. Kelly points out that Brittany Spears looks fugly. Pugs brings up how she use to be his number one but since pictures of her smoking with cellulite, he's been turned off. Pugs asks Eric if Brittany Spears walks into the room and asks Eric to run off to Vegas to get married, would he do it. Eric only manages to say, "Jesus Christ... that's a tough one". Pugs doesn't think it's a tough one because he knows it won't last 72 hours. He thinks you can convince your girlfriend that this would be good for his career. Eric says that he couldn't do it. Kelly thinks we should check back with Eric in a year. Eric would consider it if he could get 40 grand so that he could be debt free. Pugs thinks Eric is lying but Kelly believes him and reminds us that Eric and Melissa are still really early. They do an instant poll and Pugs says it's only for guys in relationships.
Marry Brittany Spears?
If Brittany Spears asked you to run away for a weekend and marry her, would you leave your girlfriend for a bit to do it? You know it won't last that long.... so would you?
Results: 7-3
Winner: Goin' to the chapel and we're... gonna get married.
Kelly lets us know that Will (me) just said that he'd just tell his girlfriend, when he got back after the fling, about how stupid Brittany is, how badly she stunk, and how lousy she is in the sack. Kelly thinks that if you turn it into "I left Brittany for you", you would score major points. Eric still doesn't think it works because you're destroying somebody and Pugs thinks that she just has to understand. Kelly reminds him that she doesn't have to understand. Eric aapologizes for having a heart and Pugs thinks it's more about having a brain. He accuses Eric of lying... again.
*break*
Pugs thinks it feels like a Monday today and expresses his love for long weekends. Pugs and Kelly were in Fort Worth for a sprint appearance on Saturday and Pugs brags about how many people came out. Kelly and Pugs thank Bill for giving them a CD of their September 12, 2001 show. Bill has been recording the show since June of 2001. Pugs reminds them that they were doing overnights back then and their September 11 show would have been before the events of that day. Pugs and Kelly are afraid to listen to it but Pugs thinks that they should go back and listen to it. Pugs remembers that he was really upset with the Arabs that night and he wanted to carpet bomb everything. The woman that Pugs is dating had a birthday and they stayed in a hotel this weekend. Kelly wants to put her mom up in an Embassy Suite when she comes into town. Pugs liked staying in a hotel and thinks he might make it a monthly thing for him. Pugs complains that at the place that he stayed at was a little over priced, 50 bucks for a towel delivered to his room. He does admit that the food was awesome though. Pugs didn't feel like he belonged. Kelly says that she's' been to Hawaii five times, for radio, and she couldn't afford to eat. Pugs had pancakes, that he describes as un-firggin-believable, eggs benedict, some juice, and some coffee, and it was over a hundred bucks. Kelly complains about mac and cheese being over a buck a box. Everybody went out on the boat on the weekend and Pugs teaches us that there is this dude out there that looks like Vince Neil. He's probably in his 40s, he has a rock star haircut, he has a big ass boat, he's pudgy, and he wears a thong. They debated if he was cramming something down there because it's unnaturally big. He always has chicks around. Pugs wants to know what's the deal with that guy. Eric saw his package and was quite taken. Pugs is amazed how much you could cram into a little pair. Caroline calls in to say that the average size of a man's thing is 5-7 when hard and 3-5 when soft.... she has an accent though so I don't trust this "average".... Chris calls in to say that the back of third leg's boat says "Size Matters" and Pugs confirms this. A guy calls in to say that Tarzan on Lewisville has the biggest package he's ever seen and he's heard that he had something to do with Atari. Kelly wants to do a segment called "what's your deal?". Eric brings up how his deal is that he ends up naked at some point at a party. Pugs' deal is that he gets everyone really drunk. He assumes that everyone can handle shots like he can and gets them wasted. Kelly calls in to say that the guy on the lake is called Kirk and he owns a computer company. He's known for ten years. Kelly brings up that Third Leg has a lot of naked pool parties. Jerry calls in to say that Kelly was right and that he was one of the original writers on the old Atari game "Missile Command" and then joined the NSA.
I made a little picture of what I imagine the dude looks like....
*break*
SYBILIZATION AS WE KNOW IT!
1. In Idaho...
Pugs demands that Kelly say a city in Idaho and she says Boise. He goes to tell her she's wrong but then he realizes that she's right. They attempt to name things in Idaho... potatoes, militant groups, schools with porn, some song by some band called Idaho, some movie called "My Private Idaho",and Sybil's third cousin. pugs suggest that Idaho is one of the bottom 5 states. Pugs asks if there are more things to do in Idaho or Delaware.
Kelly- Delaware
Sybil- Delaware...
Kelly wonders if you flip Delaware id it would turn into New Hampshire. Eric remembers that Washington crossed the Delaware river. Nobody can remember if Dover is in Delaware. Pugs suggest Main being in the crap state list. Kelly remembers lobster and that Oprah did a thing where she went back to live in Main back in 1868 or something. Sybil suggest Wyoming and Montana. Pugs and Kelly teach her that a lot of celebrities are buying land in Montana and it's very in right now. Kelly offers North Dakota and Pugs remembers that Fargo is there. He wonders what's so great about South Dakota and Kelly remembers that Mt. Rushmore is there.
Idaho is doing an investigation after complaints that teachers had porn on their computers. One teacher had over 150 porno tapes in his locker.
Sybil doesn't know why you wouldn't just keep one in your bottom drawer at school.
2. There is this new program from stamps.com that allows you to upload pictures from your computer and turn them into a sheet of stamps.
Pugs doesn't trust these stamps to pay his bills with. Sybil explains that it says that the post office receives the value of the postage.
3. The top 20 most hated men in rock...
20. Lars Ulrich
19. Max Weinberg
18. Michael McDonald
17. John Cougar Mellencamp
16. Steve Miller
15. Lenny Kravitz
14. Phil Collins
13. Rod Stewart
12. Scott Stapp
11. Glenn Frey & Don Henley
10. Bob Weir
9. Fred Durst
8. Conor Oberst & Chris Carrabba
7. G.E. Smith
6. Johnny Rzeznik
5. Elton John
4. Ryan and Bryan Adams
3. Jimmy Buffett
2. Carlos Santana
1. Paul McCartney
*break*
4. James Gandolfini was t-boned by a 72 drunk driver running a red light while he was leaving a college football game.
Pugs lets us know that Will (me), just said "can you imagine if you hit somebody and the guy that gets out of the car is Tony Soprano... and you're drunk.
5. A rapper named twista got into a car accident. A member of his security staff died.
Kelly knows who he is! Kelly explains that his song says "I'm daring a girl that looks like Michael Jackson, her mother looks like Michael Jackson everyone looks like Michael Jackson except Michael for Michael Jackson" Pugs says that there is somebody new that he likes but he doesn't the name. It's some dude's normal name. The Girl that he's dating is really into him and she's always playing his CD. She had candles lit and the CD playing after he left the bathroom. Joe calls in to say that the guys name is Mike Jones. Kelly wonders how Joe knows and Pugs suggest that maybe he bangs her too and that's the song she always plays. Pugs says that he sounds like... "BABY! WOOO WOOO!" Pugs thinks he's a big heavy R and B guy.
6. JK, the lead singer of Jamorquai had his license suspended for driving too fast.
Pugs says that nobody cares.
7. In Oregon, a correctional institution has pulled Nip Tuck from the airwaves because of the graphic display and sexual innuendo.
Kelly points out that there is nothing innuendo about that show and Pugs reminds us that when you do blow off a stripper's ass it's pretty direct. Johnny calls in to suggest the singer is Anthony Hamilton. Pugs thinks that's him and reminds us how he sings.. "BABY WOO WOOOO.... BABAY!".
8. Heidi Klum had her legs insured for 2 million dollars.
9. William Kennedy Smith is being charged for being a serial sexual predator.
Pugs thinks that with all those rotten things that has come out about this guy, he's still a damn good brain surgeon. Pugs' friend Javier had his brain cancer taken care of by Dr. Smith. Pugs and Kelly remind us that if you're really good at what you do then you can get away with sexing up people. Kelly points out that if we're going to let Michael Jackson and Kobe Bryant off then we should let a surgeon off too.
10 Weekend Box Office Update
5. The Princess Diaries 2
4. Paparazzi
3. Anacondas: the Hunt for the Blood Orchid
2. Without a Paddle
1. Hero
*break*
Kelly wonders how Tom Jane got top billing over Travolta on "The Punisher" and Pugs points out that Tom is the actual Punisher. Pugs doesn't think Travolta gets enough credit for the Sweathog work. Pugs still likes to watch Welcome Back Kotter because the jokes still lives today. Kelly wonders if Brooklyn really is the 5th largest city. Tom Jane joins the show and Pugs thinks that Tom must like them because this is the second time he's been on in the last month. Kelly says that the last time they saw him that the last time they saw Tom, he was quitting smoking. Tom asked if he was acting strangely and Pugs admits that they thought he was high. Tom says that he was high but he was also quitting cigarettes. Tom's advice is to take the patches and when you have the urge to smoke, rip it off and use it as an ashtray. Pugs says that he saw the Punisher last night and liked it. Pugs proclaims that Tom was ripped in the movie but when he came into the studio he was wearing a suit and had a beard. Tom says that they really kicked his ass for that role. Tom says that he had to stop smoking pot and hit the gym. Pugs asks Tom to talk about Frank Castle (the Punisher) and Tom tells Pugs that he saw the movie more recently than he did. He claims that he can't remember the movie all that much and Pugs points out that he spent 9 months of his life being Frank Castle. Tom points out that he smokes a lot of marijuana and that they only paid him to remember the lines for one day. Pugs doesn't want to say anything... but he just saw the movie last night and he can't remember much of the movie either. This is like two stoners attempting to have a conversation about a movie neither one can remember. Tom says that the movie rocked but it's a shame that he can't remember any of it. Pugs points out that Rebecca Romaine Stamos was in the movie and wonders who she played. Tom thinks that the only thing that matters is "did she get naked?". Kelly wonders if she did and Tom says that he can't remember. He does remember that she's tall though. Tom wants to talk about the fight scene between him and that 7 foot Russian guy. Travolta gets ticked off at Frank Castle and slaughters the whole family. Frank Castle gets mad at Travolta and becomes the Punisher. Pugs describes it as an indy film trying to be "Batman" and the fight scenes and gore is up there with "Kill Bill". Kelly wonders how Tom got this part and Tom explains that Marvel chased him for over a year to play the part but he never wanted to be a super hero guy. Marvel told him that he's not really a super hero, he's an anti-hero without any super powers and he was sold onto that premise. Pugs got an E-mail from a guy that says that he heard that Tom Jane was with Matthew McConaughey. Tom says that he's hung out with him a few times but doesn't know him all that well. Tom thinks he's a fabulous bongo player and Pugs asks him again if he was there the night of the bongos. Tom claims that he doesn't remember. He remembers some loud music and sirens though. He thinks he may have been in Canada and Kelly suggest that perhaps he was in canibus. The Punisher is out on DVD right now.... go buy it. Pugs warns that they have his cell phone number now and that now he can expect drunken phone calls from him. Kelly remembers how she said that she was going to stalk him but that it would take too much energy. Pugs and Kelly want to start the show tomorrow with them text messaging Tom Jane.
*break*
Kelly wonders what the point of M & M minis. Kelly thinks that they must have had research that people prefered M & M smaller. Pugs wonders if when Shaq eats a chunky bar it's like when normal people eat M & Ms. It's time for the Pugs and Kelly Institute for Human Growth and Development...
"I'm a single seperated mom. My estranged husband and I are talking about moving in together. My two oldest daughters seem OK one minute and then the 17 year old is in her room crying and claiming that she's out of there in a year.... Pugs remembers that he use to say that but lived at home till he was 25. Kelly reminds him that he was still at home and his mom was the one that moved out.... These kids are not this guy's kids. They have split custody and no child support going either way. Her lease is up in a month. Her mother died in the house they live in now and seems to be haunting them... she adds "typical... guess you had to know her".... Her stalker is going to be released from jail soon. She is her eldest son's ex-girlfriend and she has custody of their child. She won't allow her to see her baby because she's nutty buckets. The girl has three kids and all three have been taken away by the state so she's not just being a bitch.
friggin' wow yeah?
bye bye
comments? e-mail Will at will@pugsandkellylive.com
