Pugs and Kelly are having technical difficulties. They spend a bit trying to fix everything. Pugs has an E-mail from J.J. asking how those two fools are doing. He wonders if there is going to be dodgeball even though it's raining. Pugs assures us that dodgeball happens despite crappy weather conditions. He is very excited for TV tonight. At 7, it's the Dr. Phil special with Pat O'Brien. A guy calls in to say that he found it odd that he wanted coke and hookers because he read that coke makes you unable to perform. Pugs and Eric assures the caller that hookers and cocaine go hand in hand. Pugs warns that if you do too much coke then the plumbing won't work. It's all about moderation. At 8 PM, it's Revelations and at 9 it's the American Idol exposed. Pugs advises that everyone should watch American Idol now because this is when they start having people that will be huge stars soon. Kelly wonders if that's true but then remembers Kelly Clarkson. Pugs says that he sees Clay Aiken a lot and Kelly wants to know where he sees him. Pugs says that he mostly sees him in his dreams. Kelly feels bad for Paula Abdul. Pugs reminds us that Paula Abdul was the poor man's Janet Jackson. He also bring up how she helped make the career of MC Scat Kat. Kelly thinks that she's a pioneer because now nobody cares if you use voice alteration and lack singing ability. Pugs reads the story. Paula Abdul was banging some former contestant. She called him and said that she would like to be a mother figure. Then she corrected herself and said "or maybe more like a special friend". She was giving him tips on how to win. Pugs and Kelly agree that Simon and Ryan Seacrest have an undeniable sexual tension. Pugs thinks that they act like a couple of six grade kids with crushes on each other. The contestant that Paula Abdul was banging gave him tips on how to dress and gave him prescription cough syrup for his throat... wait wait wait wait, let me get this straight. I get to sleep with an older broad and she's going to give me drugs? Hell, I want to sign up for this deal.... The dude's parents told Prime Time Live that they were concerned about their relationship. They also told them that Abdul would speak with them on the phone and they'd hang out together. Pugs brings up how Paula Abdul is famous. She's on the biggest show in the world. He wonders if Paula Abdul can get some Hollywood crank. They discuss what level of star Paula could get. They agree that she can't get A level guys. Pugs reminds us that she was with Emilio Estevez for a while. He suggests Sinbad. A caller thinks that she'd be good with Judd Nelson or Kirk Cameron. A caller says that he could see her with a struggling guy like Carrot Top. Pugs and Kelly assure the caller that he doesn't struggle. He's a Vegas stand up that only works one month a year and pulls in 20 million dollars. He also had a development deal for 6 million dollars.

*break*

Steve Noviela joins the show. It must be sweeps. Pugs and Kelly agree that Steve is only friendly when it's sweeps month. Kelly wonders if the run away bride could be gay. Pugs has a theory. He thinks that she might be the only sane one and everyone else around her is crazy. Pugs points out that we all know that the fiance is insane. He reminds us that the fiance said that he made sure she put her engagement ring back on. Steve thinks that's a valid point. See? Somebody with real credibility agrees. That makes it true. Steve is from Fox 4. He does "Deal or Dud". Tonight they're going to test a self scanning microwave. There is a wand on this microwave that scans the bar code of the product and automatically sets the correct time. Steve thinks that it's really lazy. Pugs can only set his microwave for a minute. Steve also did a special on open box specials. I had to go to the bank during this segment so... yeah. Watch "Deal or Dud" or be lame.

*break*

Kelly says that they use Orbitz because that's how they run. Pugs says that's how they roll. They don't run because they're paralyzed from the waist down. Pugs demands his food. Sybil assures him that it's on the way.


Sybilization as we know it!

Sorry about that. My DSL went down 20 minutes before the mavs game... damn you Tracy McGrady....

Kelly wonders why Eric is dancing like a fag. She needs new tires. Pugs likes using Discount Tires and assures us that he's not being a shill. Eric had a good night last night because of the Mavericks. Pugs is confused about the series record. Pugs swears that it's 2-2 and Kelly and Eric assure him that it's 3-2 Mavericks. Pugs double checks them and admits that they're right. Pugs brings up the Jeff Van Gundy fine.... hey hey hey, you can check out the Team Wilco Blog for coverage of the fine and other basketball related fun. There is also some other crap on there.... Pugs thought that the Tracy McGrady self offensive rebound fade away 3 pointer was the closest thing to a Jordan moment. He calls McGrady a superstar.... Hey hey hey, what about Jerry Stackhouse winning the tip over that giant African freak and sinking a three to end the first half.... Pugs reads the story off of yahoo sports but you might as well read it from Team Wilco. Yahoo sports is boring and I like plugging stuff for me and Paco. Pugs is fine with them being tough on Jeff Van Gundy because he's a Maverick's fan. Kelly thinks that this is the equivalent of her telling Francis to watch Ian from the Sun Bru team because he cheats. A guy calls in to say that people have always sent tapes of bad calls to send to refs. Pugs tells us that Pat Riley did it and Phil Jackson made it an art.

*break*

It's not time for the Pugs and Kelly Institute for Human Growth and Development. Ted E-mails to say that he was with his ex for several years. THey had a child and a house. He lost his job and fell into a depression. He started to neglect his responsibilities and his ex left him. It's been a year and he's bounced back. The problem is that he can't get over his ex. He has tried dating but she won't leave his head. He gets the desire to tell her how he feels but then he chickens out. Kelly firmly believes in the "never go home" theory. She thinks that you can never be able to go back after the break up. Pugs wonders if the child factor complicates that theory and Kelly says that it's sad. Kelly thinks that she's probably moved on and isn't even thinking about it. Pugs would love to tell him that everything will be OK and they'll get back together but he'd be lying his ass off. He explains that women turn corners and once they turn a corner, it's over. Men tend to get hung up over women. Pugs says that he knows people that will pine for women who left them 15 years ago after a few drinks. Kelly says that women suffer in the moment but men are oblivious. She brings up how that was the case with her ex-husband. Pugs admits that his ex-wife cried herself to sleep for months and he didn't even notice that anything was wrong. He says that it took him three years to get over his ex-wife. He thinks that he won't let the gradual shift happen again. Kelly says that you can't fully open yourself to that ex again once you're back together. Elizabeth calls in to say that he should tell her to find out. She thinks that he should find out if she's dating. Pugs says that he can't figure it out from the three year old because you can't understand. Kelly informs him that you understand them more as you spend more time with them. She wonders if Pugs understands the 3 year old he spends time with and Pugs says no. Pugs complains that she doesn't pronounce words correctly but admits that he doesn't really understand anybody under the age of 25. He points out that the woman might be shaky to go back with him because she knows how he reacts to bad news. Pugs says that this exact scenario happened to him. He lost his job and got depressed. Pugs and Kelly say that finances is the core of most relationship problems. Pugs points out that college relationships work out well thanks to mom and dad picking up the bill. Shawn calls in and stutters a lot. Pugs can't understand him. Kelly explains what he said and I can't understand her. She suggests getting the book "She's Just Not Into You". Pugs uses the word "marginalize" and Kelly loves it. She says that it turns her on when he says that and Pugs lets her know that he says it for her. I didn't know Kelly had a butter substitute fetish.

*break*

Pugs talks about his mother's day present. I can't talk about it though. Pugs brings up the story of the 15 pound hamburger. Kelly thinks that picture is doctored. Pugs is a hamburger enthusiast. Pugs and Kelly agree that nobody can eat a 15 pound burger. The burger can feed a family of 10 and cost 30 dollars. It comes with 10.5 pounds of ground beef, 25 slices of cheese, a head of lettuce. three tomatoes, 2 onions, 1.5 cup of mayo, 1.5 of relish, 1.5 ketchup, 1.5 cups of mustard, banana peppers, and the bun. Pugs goes out on a limb and says that this is a bit gluttonous.

*break*

SYBILIZATION AS WE KNOW IT!

1. The judge entered a plea of not guilty for the BTK killer case. THey can't use capital punishment because he killed his victims before Kansas' death penalty was enforced.
Pugs giggles because of a story. The headline is "The gunshot nobody heard". A deaf-mute man shot his deaf-mute sister and her deaf-mute husband for trying to move his deaf-mute parents.

2. The city that the runaway crazy bride bitch is from is considering civil actions against her. They had to spend a lot of money because she had to find her groove.
Kelly doesn't think that she should pay back anything. She didn't do anything wrong until the fake phone call. Kelly says that couple was wacky. She explains that they were living together but she was still a virgin. She is a friggin' 32 year old virgin. Pugs says that is a sign that she's crazy. That and her stupid wacky bitch eyes. Seriously, her eyes are ridiculously WOOOOOOO. It's like she keeps getting really really excited before every picture. Pugs says that the fiance, John Mason, has a squished puppy face. Kelly thinks that he's dumb. They play audio of this dumb ass. Pugs wonders if you could be comfortable with her being alone with your kids. Pugs and Kelly agree that you can't trust her. They can't understand why he's staying with her because she humiliated her. Pugs points out that her actions caused a fat DJ in Dallas to talk about his puppy dog squished face. He thinks that it's a bad idea to reproduce with these genes. Jeff calls in to say that now he can kill her. He can always say "well, I guess she ran off again". Some douche bag calls in to say that the fiance doesn't sound like a nut job. He says that he sounds like a man that understands love and God. He claims that Pugs sounds like a nut job that treats women like bitches and whores. Pugs explains that he's only had meaningful relationships with women that he respected. The caller says that the fiance isn't crazy because he believes in Jesus. He says that he knew that she was a nut when they got engaged. Pugs thinks that only a nut would fall for a nut. The clever caller battles back with "whatever".

*break*

3. In West Palm Beach, Florida, a judge has ordered that it's OK for a 13 year old to get an abortion. Thank God.
Sybil thinks that is pretty young and Pugs and Kelly agree that 13 year old should be aborted. I get sad because I thought the story was about aborting 13 year olds and not some boring fetus.
4. Also in Florida....
Pugs stops Sybil and wants to do it. A man has been arrested after breaking into a neighbors home, threatening them, electrocuting himself with a lamp socket, threatening a deputy with a metal rod, running naked through his yard, and chewing through a cable in a patrol car. Authorities arrested Shyne Harris Phelps at 1:45 AM on charges of kidnapping, burglary of a dwelling, aggravated assault on a law enforcement officer with intent to commit a felony, resisting an office with violence, battery, and criminal mischief. The deputies were called to a home. On arrival, the officers saw several people in a yard pointing. They then heard a loud thud on the side of the patrol car. When they got out they noticed a man wrapped in a sheet yelling that he was ready to go to jail. The officer ordered the man to drop the rod. The man acquiesced to the request. He quickly picked it up again and made a threatening gesture. The officer pulled out his gun and Phelps dropped the rod. Phelps then shouted that he was ready to die and took off running. The man tried to scale a chain link fence to get back on his property. The deputies fired tasers at him but missed. Phelps then threw dirt and rocks on their faces. The suspect lost his sheet in the process. He then left his house and was arrested without further incident. Pugs reads why the police were called. Phelps entered a family's home after the police left his house. The family had complained about noise. Phelps grabbed them and shouted "IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO DIE!". As he attempted to push somebody outside, a different family member shot him with a taser. Kelly thinks that we should look into this man because he's taser proof. The taser caused Phelps to demand to be electrocuted more. He quickly unscrewed a lamp and stuck his fingers in the socket. Pugs thinks that this guy is awesome. He thinks that is somebody you should know. I do believe that somebody loves his PCP and meth... you know, other than me....

5. A man found a finger in his frozen custard. One of the workers lost his finger and nobody knew.

6. Two men are in trouble for building a giant snow penis in their yard.
Pugs says that he's never built a snow man that didn't have a penis. Kelly always made one in pottery class.

7. Ashton Kutcher thought about committing suicide once...
Pugs says that it's a shame that he got better.
Ashton Kutcher's twin brother...
Kelly says that his twin is retarded. Pugs laughs at him for having a retarded brother. Kelly isn't sure if he's retarded but she knows that there is something wrong with him.
Ashton Kutcher's twin brother developed a heart disease...
Kelly proclaims that was what she was thinking of. Pugs warns that Kelly thinks that everyone with heart problems are retarded.
His brother needed a heart transplant so, Ashton decided to jump from his hospital window so that he can give him his heart. Doctors rushed in before he did it.
Pugs thinks it would have been great he jumped and then the doctors come in and yell "you've been punk'd!!". Pugs and Kelly don't believe this story. They think it's talk show fodder.

8. Brittany Spears and Kevin Federline's reality TV show is coming to UPN soon.

9 You can hire Paris Hilton to come to your party for 20 minutes. It'll 150,000 to 200,000 parties.
Pugs thinks that would be a good idea for the anniversary party.

10. Cleveland Browns Tight End, Kellen Winslow JR, got into a motorcycle accident. He took out a small tree. He was test driving the motorcycle.
Pugs brings up this Chicago Bull that ruined his career on a rice rocket. They agree that only idiots like motorcycles.

11. The Texas Rangers beat the Oakland A's.

12. The Dallas Mavericks stomped those punk ass Rockets. Man screw those guys.

No story was fake.

*break*

Kelly almost gives out her home number again. Pugs notes that it's chilly Monday. Kelly informs him that she brought pasta salad and not chili. Pugs wonders what's up with Italians and overeating. Kelly says that the previous owners of her home sold her a bum spa. Pugs knows that they knew. He thinks that is one of the reasons they decided to move because those cost a lot to fix. Kelly wants her hot tub. Pugs doesn't think that they should own pools because, where they're from, only rich people have them. He says that people make fun of him for calling them in-ground pools. Eric moved all weekend. He, his sister, and his girlfriend all moved. He used Apple Moving. Eric thought that they rocked. They actually showed up on time. Kelly says that they're good about showing up on time. They moved Eric in an hour and a half. Kelly wonders if Eric tipped Apple Moving and Eric says that he did. They do some math to figure out how much you should tip the movers. Eric brings up how one guy carried a dryer on his back up three flights of stairs. Pugs thinks that you should tip somebody that come to your home to perform a task that you either don't want to do or lack that ability to do. Kelly says that she offers but they decline. Pugs reveals that he always insists after they decline.... Pugsly Pugsly... this is the how you do I, trust me I'm Asian we're as bad as the Jews....

Cheap Ass: hey, here you go man.. a little something extra
Worker: Oh no sir, I can't accept that... the joy of a job complete is plenty enough tip for me...
Cheap Ass: Are you sure?
Worker: umm... yes...

Now you see what I did? I put it on the worker. Now, What kind of douche bag is going to say "no, I wasn't sure.. give me the money".

Pugs wouldn't tip a plumber because he only tips laborers. He explains that plumbers are skilled technicians that make a ton of cash. He's sure that they make more money that he does. Dustin calls in to say that he's a bartender. He wonders why you would tip a guy that you're already paying labor costs to. Pugs brings up how bartenders get an hour wage. He wonders if he expects to be tipped for leaning in 6 inches and grabbing a beer. Dustin says that he only gets paid 2 something an hour and Pugs and Kelly agree that it's not their fault that he took that job. Kelly reminds him that beer is also cheaper at the super market. Pugs and Kelly note that they're the ones that have to walk to the bar and wait in line. Dustin explains that the bar tenders have to do all the flare stuff. Pugs tells him that they don't all do that. Dustin says that good ones do.... That is stupid. I don't want my bar tender to "flare" about. THat's great that you're flipping bottles but can you just stop wasting my time and hand me my friggin' drink. You're a glorified liquor pourer/beer monkey. Give daddy his happy juice.... Kelly just got an e-mail from Chicago Rob that says that you only tip people that do things for you that are borderline illegal... For example, the cable guy that gives you free movie channels....

*break*

Pugs brings up how Dirk is superstar. I wonder if Pugs likes his words heavily salted. They bring up the "Dirk is my homeboy" T-shirt. You can pick one up at www.dirkismyhomeboy.com Pugs brings up "Animation Domination" on Fox. It was the big return of Family Guy. Kelly can't watch a show with a talking babies and dogs. Pugs thinks it's the best cartoon out there.They play the friggin' hilarious opening scene.

*break*

Pugs brings up the crazy chick that lied about being abducted. They recall that everyone suspected the fiance of murdering her. Kelly tells us that his excuse, "she had cold feet," was such a bum excuse but it turned out to be real.... boy I tell you, I'd be pissed if I bought that wacky bitch a present for her bridal shower.... THey play a clip of her calling 911 and claiming that she was kidnapped by a Hispanic man and a white woman. Pugs thought she was believable. He tells us that he thought she had crazy eyes in her picture. Kelly thinks people should apologize for assuming that the fiance killed her. Pugs refuses to apologize and points out that it seems very hip to murder your wife/girlfriend. Kelly thinks that killing your lady friend is soooo 2004 and now everyone is just ripping off Scott Peterson. Pugs and Kelly wonder why she ran off to Albuquerque. They think that is an awful place. Kelly doesn't think they had a reason to arrest her until she faked the phone call. Pugs thinks that a grown up can just disappear without telling anybody. He feels the same way that Kelly does though. THey agree that the media ran with this one. After the media ran with this story, the cops were forced to go balls to the wall with the case. Kelly thinks it's rude but it shouldn't be illegal. She doesn't want to be obligated to tell people where she's going all the time. Pugs understands why 14 year olds can't run away but he feels that he's an adult and can leave at any time he wishes. He brings up how she said that the wedding isn't canceled, just postponed. Pugs thinks his abduction would get covered because he's not good looking enough. He assures Kelly that she is lucky because her kids are cute and will get plenty of coverage. He likes it how she blamed it on a Mexican. He notes that it was worse because she blamed it on an interracial couple. He thinks that people have to expect an interracial couple to kidnap. He thinks that in her world, Mexicans are scary. If anybody would kidnap her then it would be a Mexican.

*break*

SYBILIZATION AS WE KNOW IT!

1. Lindy England, the skank that looks like an angry 14 year old boy that listens to Korn too much, has pleaded guilty for her part in the Iraqi prisoner scandal.
Pugs calls her America's little sweetheart.

2. Laura Bush was being funny. They play clips of her stand up. It's no Bill Hicks. Kelly thought she looked hot and Pugs announces that she's a babe. He has been saying that she's a good looking older woman for a long time now. I'd totally hit it. Hell yes, first lady stink all over me. They play clips of Laura Bush. Pugs is uncomfortable. He thinks it's OK for everyone else to make fun of him for being stupid but not somebody that knows him better than anybody else would. Bush has no magic wand.

3. Super Athletes Foot is out. Typical treatments have no effect. It leaves massive scarring and suppressed use of their legs and feet.
Pugs doesn't think that's athlete's foot because athlete's foot doesn't make you a cripple.

*break*

4. A ten year old boy is being treated for injuries after his cell phone exploded in his pocket. His parents are looking to lay the legal smack down.
Pugs thinks that cell phones don't explode. Kelly reminds us that you aren't suppose to use a cell phone while pumping gas. Pugs warns us that 20/20 is going to do spotlights called "the grenade in your pocket".

5. Prime time live ha audio of Paula Abdul coaching a contestant. Apparently, she straight up now tell him what he should do to win and she had an inappropriate relationship with him.

6. In Austin, they were going to name a stretch of highway after Willie Neon but a couple of republican congress types are protesting. They explain that Nelson has a fondness for drinking, smoking, and actively campaigning for democrats.
Pugs and Kelly wonder how a person's political beliefs can decide whether or not they have a highway named after them. Pugs reminds us that we ride on the Bush toll way. Eric points out that we also have the LBJ. Pugs points to Malcom X and how he was technically a criminal. Kelly could see the drugs and alcohol as an excuse. Pugs also points out that Willie Nelson is a great son of Texas. He thinks that Willie Nelson built that Austin local music scene. He also believes that it would be fun to be able to say "take the Nelson" or "ride the Willie". Kelly thinks that we should look into the politics of R. L. Thornton, Tom Landry, and John Carpenter. Pugs reminds us that John Carpenter was the guy that killed Bob Crane in a hotel room. If that weirdo can have a road then Willie can too.

7. Weekend Box Office Update
5. Sahara
4. The Amityville Horror
3. XXX: State of the Union
2. The Interpreter
1. The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

Super Athlete's Foot was the fake story.

*break*

Emil joins to show to talk about Sheer Dallas. Pugs explains that Friday was about the gay rodeo. Everything on this show is gay except for Emil. Pugs wonders why Emil's show is making everyone look gay. Emil has no idea. Pugs notes that it's not a reality show about Dallas. He thinks that it's all scripted. He notes that the "straight" hair dresser at the gay rodeo wasn't that good of an actor. They play a clip of the "straight" hair dresser saying that nobody thinks he's gay. It quite possibly could be the gayest statement about not being gay ever. I think I just turned gay hearing him claim that he's not gay.

THE END