Pugs is going to get some old school Jew deli over the weekend. Kelly says that it's not a real deli if they use pork. She thinks that some of these "delis' around here need to get rid of the "deli" title. She thinks that it's not a deli unless you can get a beagle. Pugs brings up the Mavs and Kelly says that the mavericks were great at dodgeball last night. Pugs says that he heard that Duke's went nuts when the Mavericks won. Pugs says that the game exhausted him and he fell asleep as soon as it was over. Metro-Aaron was texting him the whole time and threatening to crap his pants. Pugs thinks that Dirk's criticism of Eric Dampier was just. He thinks that a real leader will fire up his teammates anyway he can. Damp had a double double last night. Kelly thinks a double double is two pizzas. Kelly thinks that Dampier's plan in game 1 may have been to lay back and not score any points. This would lull the Suns into a false sense of security. Pugs thinks that's ridiculous. Pugs tried to shave his neck yesterday. He says that his girlfriend stayed at his place over the weekend and apparently she shaved with his razors. He didn't think it would be so bad. He wonders what the hell vagina hair is made out of. He says it was like shaving with barb wire. Kelly wonders if it's any different from what Pugs has down there and Pugs assures her that his is soft and elegant. Kelly thinks that it's only like that cause it's longer. Pugs complains that he was bleeding. Kelly notices that Pugs doesn't even have a mark and thinks that Pugs isn't overreacting at all. Pugs thinks that she should have left him with some razors. Kelly doesn't think that Tammy secretly hates him and seeks to do him damage by letting him cut himself while he shaves. Kelly noticed that Pugs tried to call in sick and wonders if this is the reason. Pugs thinks that he may have to bung hole a couple of razors so that he always has some. Dan calls in to say that he agrees with Pugs. He always cuts his neck. Pugs wonders what the hell the pubic hair is made out of. Kelly reminds Pugs that women shave their legs too. Pugs says that he knows but he's more familiar with the other area. Kelly thought that Pugs was a leg man. Pugs tells Kelly that he is a leg guy but if had to choose, he'd choose the funky middle. Juliana from the lodge calls in and wonders what it's made out of. She says that she's tried to condition the area and it doesn't work. Pugs wonders what Juliana is sporting and She says that she's sporting the stripper stripe. Pugs wonders how often she does it and Juliana says that she does it everyday for work. He wonders how she does it. She says that she does it in her Jacuzzi garden tub. Pugs wonders if she uses baby oil to reduce bumps and increase smoothness. She says that she pours lotion into the bathtub. Kelly says that baby oil clogs the drain. Pugs teaches us that baby oil feels good when you shave your head with it. Juliana tells us that she takes care of business when she's in the bath tub. Pugs is disgusted that she'd defecate in the tub. Kelly tells Pugs that she meant touch herself.

*break*

It's now time for the Pugs and Kelly Human Growth and Development. They have an e-mail from Tall Chris. Pugs and Kelly know Tall Chris. Chris says that they know him. Pugs lets us know that Chris is right. They do in fact know him. Chris says that he was divorced in 2001. Hi ex cheated on him and he found out that birth control sticks to the sides of low flush toilets. Pugs wonders what that means and Kelly thinks that he was referring to condoms. Pugs says that he likes to use a condom when he pleasures himself sometime. He says that it's good for clean up. Chris also says that his ex was writing bad checks with his name. He found out recently that a company that hired her wants to know his thoughts on her character. Chris wonders what Pugs would do. He hasn't talked to her since the divorce. Pugs wonders why you would put your ex-husband as a reference after an ugly divorce. Kelly thinks that Chris also saw her on a dating site when they were still married. Pugs thinks that Chris should tell them about her personality. He should be honest. Pugs wouldn't lie for her. He would lie if they had a child together and she needed to raise their child. Richard calls in to say that this leaves a nasty taste in his mouth. He thinks that Chris should be completely honest. Pugs thinks that he needs to sit down at the kitchen table and remember what it was like when he found that condom on the side of the toilet. Then he should take a deep breath and write. Kelly says that he can't honestly call her an honest person. Pugs hopes that it's anonymous because he doesn't want a psycho bitch knocking on his door because he got her fired. Pugs thinks that she probably thinks that she has Chris under her thumb if she thinks that he'll give her a good reference. Pugs and Kelly agree that if she has nobody else in her life that can say nice things about her, aside from her ex-husband, then she's not a prize. Bill calls in and spends 3 minutes just to say that he should answer honestly. Caboom calls in to say that he shouldn't do anything. Pugs and Kelly agree that they'd ignore it too. Pugs and Kelly believe in burying their head in the sand. Pugs says that he'd give his ex-wife a great referral but that's because they have a decent post-marriage relationship. Kelly and Shemp have the bestest most bizarre relationship.

*break*

Stand up comedian Paul Varghese joins the show. Paul is headlining at the improv tonight. Kelly reminds Pugs that he didn't vote for Paul in the stand up competition. Pugs assures Paul that he won the fans over the next day. He says that Paul is here for news because he doesn't how to talk to him when it's just them. Pugs is a little put-off by Paul's strange culture.

Sybilization as we know it!

1. There was a shoot out in a Cedar Hill Wal Mart. Some dude pulled a semi-automatic hand gun on the cops. Police fired back and the man died in the hospital.
Paul wonders if the greeters greeted him when he walked in with the gun.

2. Fort Worth Police are investigating a police officer for kissing a woman in a city car at an Arlington park. It was captured on film by the show "Cheaters". It's unclear what happened after the kissing but at one point her head disappears. At this time, the officer puts his hands on his head.
Pugs likes watching Cheaters and figuring out where they are according to the street cars. He reads more on the story. The woman's husband was the one that contacted Cheaters. He's also beating her. Pugs notes that it's no wonder that she's cheating on him with a cop. She probably feels safe with him. Kelly thinks that he's a real winner. Only good guys call cheaters to humiliate the wife that you're beating the crap out of. Paul thinks that everything looks controversial when you pixelate it. He notes that picking flowers looks damn creepy when you're face is pixilated. He wishes that he had pixilization in his life.

3. In Wisconsin, a high school senior who thought 'd be funny to wear a dress to prom was banned from the prom, suspended for three days, and not allowed to compete in his final track meet. He went in full drag. They didn't allow him to enter in his spaghetti strap dress. Well, I don't blame them. He was dressed like a whore. He showed up later in a leisure suit. During a dance he ripped off his suit to reveal the slutwear underneath.
Pugs thinks he sounds fun. Kelly notes that this took place in Wisconsin and wonders how they knew it was a guy. It could have been a real girl.

4. In California, police discovered that a man killed his wife, his three children, and his mother. His suicide note had lyrics from Los Lonely Boys - How Far is Heaven.
Pugs wonders if listening to Los Lonely Boys will lead you to slaughter your family. Sybil doesn't understand how you can shoot so many people and nobody wakes up. Pugs explains that it's hard to hear the gun shots when you're jamming the Los Lonely Boys really loud. He demonstrates.

5. You can talk to your dog over your cell phone.
Sybil tries to explain it. Pugs thinks it's crap and wants her to move on. He does note that his dog makes involuntary whimper noise when he steps on her paw. He thinks it's a very humanistic quality of a dog. He knows that this is an observation that somebody who's stoned would make but he assures us that he was not. He then says that some people would say "well, of course what do you expect to happen." To those people, Pugs says that he doesn't know because it's not even the same species. He could step on her paw and then her head explodes. Kelly thinks it's funny that Pugs just realized that dogs can feel pain. He says that he doesn't want get too deep into this because he may or may not have been stoned at the time. He also noticed that his dog has shame. He realized that when his dog goes number 2, she doesn't make eye contact. He says that when she's going, he likes to circle her to make eye contact. She tries to keep her head down. He thinks that she may realize that it's wrong to defecate on the side walk. Kelly doesn't think it's wrong. That's so gross, Kelly. Paul notes that dogs aren't shameful when their smelling each other's asses.

*break*

Paul Varghese is still with the show. His website is paulvarghese.com. Pugs wonders how he spells that crazy ethnic name and Paul lets him know that it's P-A-U-L. He has a blog on there that you can comment on. Pugs wants a blog. He tells everyone to visit Team Wilco. It's only the single most important thing in the universe. Pugs explains that it's me, Will the Blogger, and Paco. Kelly points out that we're called Wilco because it's WILl and paCO. Pugs didn't realize that until now. He says that he's been saying that we're two of the funniest young comedic writers. He lets them know that it's not stupid stuff either. Kelly says that Paul also writes a blog but they don't know if it's funny yet.

6. Dave Chappelle is in a mental health facility in South Africa.
Sybil thinks that the original plan was that he hoped that nobody would find out. Pugs thinks that Chappelle is a genius and his show will go down in history as one of the greatest sketch shows ever. He thinks that this was just too much for him. Kelly says that being given 50 million dollars would have her hiding under her bed. She also adds that she just heard that I've read Paul's blog a couple of times and I think it's good. There are cute pictures of him as a child and it almost makes people want to molest him. Paul thanks me. You're very welcome, Paul. PUgs brings up how he's really into blogs right now. Kelly wonders if this is easier than breaking into people's homes and reading their diaries. Paul lets Kelly know that he writes his with his feet up and bows in his hair. Pugs thinks it's interesting that you can read about celebrities thoughts on things. He brings up the Huffington post. Hell yes the huffington. Larry David's thoughts on the Bolton situation is great.

7. Michael Jackson trained his chimpanzees to do house work.
Pugs thinks that's genius. Paul notes that if we can send them to space then we can train them to snake a pipe. He thinks it's a good use of a million dollars. Kelly thinks that is proof that we're serious about illegal immigration. Sybil quotes Michael as saying "it's all worth it just to see the little children smile". Pugs doesn't think that Michael should be talking about kids for a while. Sybil says it gets worse and reads the rest. Michael said that the reason why he likes children smiling is because he's always thought they were very special to him. He loves innocence. If it wasn't for the children then he'd just throw in the towel. Sybil thinks you normally throw the towel after you're done with the children.

8. Demi Moore may have said that Ashton Kutcher can't last... you know... yeah... you know... his penis... you know... while they're bumping uglies... you know.
Pugs thinks that younger guys don't last as long because they don't have the experience. However, He believes that Ashton Kutcher has had a lot of tail so he wouldn't have this problem. Kelly says that guys only learn about staying power when they get into relationships. Paul says that if he was Ashton Kutcher and only lasted for 30 seconds, he'd get up and tell the girl that she just got punk'd.

9. Lindsay Lohan will be hosting this last episode of this season of SNL. This will be her second time to host.
Pugs found out about Lindsay Lohan's hotness during her first SNL hosting gig. Sybil reminds us of the Harry Potter sketch. Holy crap that was so friggin' hot.

10. Sharon Stone just adopted a baby boy. She actually named it Laird Von Stone.
Pugs hopes he's not fat cause he'll be called Lard. He wonders what the hell happened to her. Sybil tells us that she's doing Basic Instinct 2 and Pugs is disgusted. Nobody wants to see that. He thinks that she's super arrogant and comes off as if she thinks she's royalty. She acts as if she's still relevant and some Hollywood icon.

11. Mean Suvari is getting divorced.

12. The rangers lost to the tigers.
Pugs thinks you have to beat the tigers. He reminds us that they're the freaking tigers.

13. The Mavericks beat the Suns.
Sybil thinks it was an awesome game and especially liked the end. Pugs agrees that it was good when they won. Sybil reenacts the end. Pugs got an e-mail from somebody that said that Steve Nash did something really gay after the game. He thinks it was something to do with his hands and his face. Pugs explains to Paul that he doesn't think Steve Nash is gay. He thinks he's a good guy. Kelly thinks gay people kind be nice guys. Pugs says that since he's such a nice approachable guy, he doesn't have that superior mentality that most athletes have. He's also very touchy feely and that looks kind of gay.... Look, Steve Nash isn't gay. He's just a Canadian soccer player....

*break*

Pugs brings up how Gavin, program director for Live 105.3, brought a date to Duke's last night. His girlfriend ordered a cranberry juice and vodka and Gavin decided to order the same. The girl he said "oh my god, you're ordering the same drink as me? That's gay!". Metro-Aaron said "holy crap, he's ordering the same drink as her? That's gay!". Pugs thought about it and decided that a man has a drink. They wonder if Gavin has a particular drink. Kelly doesn't think it's that big a deal if it's a beer but they agree that foo foo drinks shouldn't be ordered too. Kelly thinks the cranberry ruins it. If they ordered vodka tonic then it wouldn't be gay. Fruits make things fruity. They take an instant poll... Sorry Gavin, apparently it's totally gay. I don't think it's that bad. Your only foul was pretending that you don't drink that regularly. Results to the instant poll is in the "instant poll" section.

the end

I just lost all my work for the past two days. I didn't save it. I didn't even think about saving it. This is a dark dark day. I'm going nuts. I woke up in the middle of the night and thought I was dead. I also thought that my room was on fire. Now this.... well, at least the Mavs won.

Pugs and Kelly act out their favorite commercials. Pugs received an E-mail from Christine who wants to beg Gavin to stop screwing around with Don and Mike. She likes the show a lot. Pugs likes their show too. Pugs notes that Kelly is bouncing up and down like a crack whore. Kelly got her ass kicked by her trainer. Pugs wants to hire his trainer again. Eric would like to hire a trainer but he's too poor. Kelly is worried that the cops are going to knock on her door. Mark calls in to say that Kelly can go down to the courthouse and pay a fine to get the warrant removed. Kelly would like them to stay open later. Pugs and Kelly agree that closing at 4:30 is asinine. Kelly says that they shouldn't expect you to hold down a job and pay their fines. A caller says that Kelly would be more likely to get away with her crimes if she would stop talking about it on the radio. Pugs adds that she's been dissing the system too. Eric notes that Kelly ha the Frenkels on it so she'll be OK. Kelly says that she has to call them. Pugs reminds her that you can't just talk about it and make it happen. The Frenkel require a phone call to 1-800-THE-DOGS. Eric assures Kelly that everyone in Texas have warrants. Officer Mondo calls in to say that you can go to Plano.gov and pay your fine with your credit card. Officer Mondo warns that when you go to warrant status, you get a visit at work from him. Pugs doesn't want to spend the day talking about his deadbeat partner's legal issues. he says this because Kelly is suppose to be the responsible one.

*break*

Kelly wonders how old Pugs was when he lost his virginity. Pugs said he was 17. Kelly wonders if he wants it back and Pugs says no. Kelly liked getting it over with. They bring up the born-again virgin phenomenon again. Eric was a born again virgin. He went to a bible crap thing lock in thing at a bowling alley. They asked who wasn't a virgin and who would like to renew your virgin vows. Eric raised his hand and he was a virgin again
All his friends were doing it. After Eric left, he had sex with his girlfriend. Pugs got an e-mail from Linda who asks why they feel the need to belittle people that want to better their life. He doesn't think he's belittling them. He explains that people will judge you as a whore for the rest of your life. Kelly says that this craze is just abstinence with some sprinkles on it. Kelly says that you can't erase your past. Pugs wonders if abstinence until marriage will force people into doomed marriages. I know it forces young people into stupid marriages.Mark calls in and says that he and his girlfriend devirginized each other when they were 19. They banged for a while. They decided to become a born again virgin a month or so before t he marriage. Pugs thinks that's lying to God. He wonders if it's different from the Catholic church's confessional system. Pugs and Kelly never told them the truth. A guy calls in to say that we're not built to wait till marriage for sex. Pugs thinks he's right. He explains that sex is natural and marriage is man made. The cave men weren't married. Pugs wonders what was up with the cave men. He guesses that God just wasn't good at his people sculpting. Kelly assures Pugs that the pug nose and big forehead was hot back then. She compares it to Marilyn Monroe being hot back in the 50s even though she was a size 12. Layla calls in and talks. She bores me. It's not so much that her story was bad... it's more that she was too boastful... blah blah blah.. I have beautiful kids... blah blah blah my husband is hot... blah blah blah.. I USED to be a ten.... blah blah blah... my father-in-law said that he only tolerated me.... what a friggin' bragger. She talks for a long time. A caller says that when she was young, being a born-again virgin just meant that you haven't had any in a while.

*break*

Pugs is going to become a fish rancher. He wants to own an aquarium. Kelly almost didn't make it to the Bowling for Soup show. She had a massive meltdown and needs to apologize to a few people. She had to register her car. She had to go pay and it was more than she expected. She started to cry in public while wearing a Live 105.3 T-shirt. She went to the ATM. A guy walked up to her and asked if she was Kelly from the Pugs and Kelly show. He was trying to talk to her but she was able to communicate. This made her cry even more. She went back to the court house. It was 4:31 and the place closed at 4:30. Eric made fun of her at the Bowling For Soup concert and Kelly began to cry. Eric didn't intend to draw that sort of reaction. Kelly had a good time at the concert though. She got drunk. Pugs got wasted. He explains that he hasn't been drinking lately. Pugs notes that the Mavs dodged a bullet with the win against the rockets. It was more like they caught the bullet with their teeth and spit it into Jeff Van Gundy's blackened cry baby heart. Pugs also salutes Steve Nash and Canada for winning the NBA MVP. Kelly is shocked to find out that he's Canadian. Pugs blows her mind further when he explains that Nash is a Canadian soccer player. Pugs explains that Phoenix is farther away than people realize. A guy calls in and claims that he's an expert on Phoenix. He teaches us that Phoenix is pretty far away. It's farther away than Chicago.

*break*

Pugs brings up how they had a Mother's Day brunch at the Down Under. Everyone was there. Kelly's boyfriend was there as well. Chicago Rob was making loon calls. Pugs reminds us that Rob is from Wisconsin. Declan joins the show and says that he mentioned the bird call that Tyson used to make. Pugs wonders who an Declan replies "Tyson". Declans tells us that he learned the Guy Code on Sunday. He was taught that you should never bring up the old boyfriend in front of the new one. Kelly says that as soon as Declan said that, an entire table of loudmouths shut up. Kelly says that she's never brought up the old boyfriend at all and Pugs reminds her that she doesn't have to because she has Tyson. Later on at brunch, McKenna leaned in and asked if it was June yet. Pugs thinks that it's cute at 5 but super hot at 25 to not know what month it is at the time. McKenna then leaned in to Rob and said that he should ask her mommy to be his girlfriend. Rob replied that he'll see in June. Mckenna has it in her head that June is a good month to hook up. Pugs thinks he should have told her that he'd like to but mommy has some baggage from some previous relationships. Kelly asked him and He said that he would be her boyfriend. Oooooooo somebody is going steady. Declan is at the studio because he has pneumonia. Pugs assures Kelly that pneumonia isn't as scary as it was in 1805.

*break*

It's now time for the Pugs and Kelly Institute for Human Growth and Development. Keith was driving home last Friday afternoon. He assures us that he was sober. As he was coming over a hill, his neighbor's dog darted out in front of him. He ran it over and the dog was dead instantly. He was going to give the dog and admit his crime but the vision of the young daughter crying cause him to think about it. The family has posted missing dog flyers. On Sunday, Keith buried the dog in a rural area south of Dallas. Pugs wonders if it was in the trunk for a couple of days. This is like Doggy Sopranos. He wonders if he should wait a while to break it to the neighbors. He wants to know if he should get his neighbor drunk first or just never bring it up. Pugs and Kelly agree that it's obvious. He should bury his head in the sand. Pugs thinks that he should let those people go through the natural process of losing a dog. He thinks it would be better to let the kids imagine that some kindly old man took in the dog and is good to him. That's way better then admitting that you murdered Fido and buried his body in South Dallas. Kelly would have claimed that somebody else ran it over and you found it. Patty calls in and she sounds crazy. She shrieks a lot for no reason. She keeps accusing Keith of being a psycho. Pugs doesn't think he's a psycho. He believes that his was just a bizarre chain of events. A caller suggests putting an mystery letter on the door explaining what happened to the dog. Then you can put the stress on the parents. Then they have to figure out if they're going to tell the kids. Eric advises that you shouldn't use your own saliva to seal the envelope. Kelly says that they learned that on CSI. Pugs doesn't think that CSI would care about a dog. Everyone agrees that it's best to not risk it. Levis calls in to say that Keith waited to long to tell them. He should have told them instantly. Now he'll just be the weirdo neighbor that killed the dog and buried it in South Dallas. Marty calls in to say that he should wonder why the family let the dog run into the middle of the street. Kelly thinks that is a very guy thing to do. Deny deny deny deny blame.

*break*

Pugs and Kelly are giving away a pair of Neil Diamond tickets. They're excited. Pugs wants to book Neil Diamond for the show. Kelly and Pugs start singing his songs.

SYBILIZATION AS WE KNOW IT!

Pugs and Kelly sing more Neil Diamond. Pugs notes that he's very dramatic.

1. Strong Mayor Referendum didn't pass.
Pugs is so happy he doesn't live in Dallas. He points out that the city manager system will insure that the downtown area will be a waste zone. Kelly compares this to the office. If you're working in an office and want a new pen, would you rather ask the boss for a new pen or would you rather go in front of a board and have them debate over it. Pugs thinks the problem is that nobody really knew that it wouldn't take place until Laura Miller left office. Laura Miller isn't a very popular mayor and people didn't want to give her power. Kelly thinks that she's too motherly... with the shopping cart laws, no smoking, and the anti-stripper movement... Pugs thinks planting fake drugs on Mexicans is way more important than getting lap dances. He reminds us that the police department is out of her hands. She's only the mayor.

2. Runaway Bride Broad has a criminal past. She was arrested 3 times. One time it was for stealing 1700 dollars worth of merchandise.
Pugs thinks that this girl is bored out of her skull. He teaches us that she has breast implants. Kelly calls her a hussy. Pugs wonders if you can still be a Christian and have fake boobs and Kelly assures us that there is no mention of silicon in the bible. Pugs thinks that she's stuck in a culture that she is very different from.

3. Child Magazine did an online poll about who's your favorite female hero.
1.2 percent... Madonna
Angelina Jolie got a better percentage... I didn't get what it was though. Pugs reminds us that she's an UN ambassador. Kelly and Eric go out on a limb and say that the blood thing was weird.
8 percent went to Kelly Ripa
9.9 Hilary Clinton
53.3 went to people's own mothers.

4. In the San Francisco zoo, an outbreak of the Clap has been spread around by penguins. It's killed 12 penguins.

5. Jennifer Garner is pregnant with the Affleck's baby. She's supposedly 3 months along.

6. Brittany Spears was rushed to the hospital due to pregnancy problems. She thought she was having a miscarriage but she's OK.
Pugs would like people to stop sending him ugly pictures of Brittany Spears.

7. Jon Lovitz is going to host the a reality prank show.


8. Weekend Box Office Update
5. The Interpreter
4. Crash
3. Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy
2. House of Wax
1. Kingdom of Heaven

9. The Rangers beat the Indians.

10. The Mavericks beat the Rockets by 40 points. Eat me Yao.

*break*

Pugs brings up that you can be a born again virgin. Kelly says that girls in high school can wipe their slutty slate clean by signing a piece of paper. The fiance of the runaway bride broad was a party boy. He then dived into the Southern Baptist way of life and restored his virginity. Pugs thinks that's lying. He believes that if you're dating a girl that claims that she is a virgin and then you find out that she was a slut at one time. Kelly reminds us that goody goody virgins don't hang out at Duke's. Pugs thinks that this is teaching people that there are no consequences for their actions and that you can't pull a fast one on God. Kelly reminds us that Catholic church just clears out the sin but doesn't actually restore your hymen. Pugs and Kelly agree that the runaway bride just isn't into him. Her bride's maids said that she's a troubled person. Kelly wouldn't be pissed about being a bride's maid for this failed wedding because this is a way better story. Pugs says that the picture that they released of her are awful. The videos of her make her look really cute. He thinks that when she finally meets people that she feels comfortable around then her eyes will go back down. It's also reported that before the engagement she had lots of boyfriends, some were for short times. Pugs and Kelly agree that is People Magazine's nice way of saying that she had lots of one night stands. Mason, the douche bag fiance, supposedly was a "wild man" in his youth. Five years ago he devoted his life to the baptist faith and disapproved of pre-marital sex. He claims that he's waiting to meet the right person. Kelly says that she's seen pictures of him and thinks that he really didn't have a choice. Billy calls in to say that he's a born again Christian and wonders if he can stop paying child support now. They play a clip of Bill Mahr's take on all this.

*break*