Kelly is excited about dodgeball. Pugs didn't get any sleep last night. Pugs has been at "Pugs West" taking care of his girlfriend. He says he likes being there because it's completely different from his life in his Plano cave. PUgs complains that she can't relax. He's been trying to get her to not do her mommy things. She has been doing laundry and going to costco. Pugs was up till 2:30 doing show prep and finally went to bed. He was asleep for 15 minutes and then there was a knock on the bedroom door. It was her youngest daughter asking for chocolate milk at 3 am. Kelly wonders if Pugs has ever wanted chocolate milk at 3 am. Tammy's sister,, calls in to remind Pugs that Tammy is doing his laundry. Pugs points out that Tammy is addicted to laundry. admits that her sister is a bit of a clean freak. Pugs thinks that works out because he's a mess maker. He complains that nobody in the house was wiling to get out of bed to help the chocolate milk monster. Kelly says that they probably know that you don't acquiesce ridiculous requests. Pugs explains that he had to get out of bed because the dogs, who have a history of beating each other's asses... and in one case actually eating each other's asses... found each other. Pugs admits that the little girl's chocolate milk craving made him crave it. They sat on the counter and had a glass. After the drink, she told Pugs that she didn't want to go back into her room. She told him a tale of monsters and it freaked him out a bit. She told Pugs that she wanted to sleep with mommy. Pugs says that the bed isn't really big enough for the three of them so he decided to sleep on the couch. Pugs and Tammy started to argue about who was sleeping on the couch. He tried to tell her that she was the sick one and should be laying with her daughter. Tammy won. Pugs is laying there with the girl and discovered that she snored like a 60 year old man. Pugs decided to lay on the floor at 5 am. A little later, the girls had to go to school so he figured he had the bed to himself. However, the two dogs decided that they wanted to share the bed with Pugs. He never got to sleep. Pugs complains that you can't punch a three year old girl like you can punch their mother for snoring. Scott calls in to point out that Pugs doesn't do laundry or fix flat tires but he's willing to make chocolate milk at night. Kelly points out that Pugs gets chocolate milk in the deal so it works out pretty well. Pugs thinks that kids aren't that stupid because chocolate milk at 3 am is a pretty good idea. Michael calls in to say that his 3 year old son slapped him in his sleep and he almost slapped him back. Devin calls in to wonder if these are Pugs' kids. Pugs says that he would be lucky if he they were his kids. Devin says that Pugs is a sucker for taking care of somebody's kids. Devin must be a compassionate genius. Devin thinks that he's a sucker because he's dating a girl with two kids and taking on some other loser's responsibility. Kelly tells Devin that she has t wo kids and her loser is in the other room.... me thinks that Devin is of the land of in which foundation does not exist. It is a sad place filled with ye olde meth and baby daddy's who skip out on raising children.... Pugs explains that the children's father isn't a loser. He does a lot for his kids but he doesn't have full custody. Pugs says that he loves his girlfriend and his girlfriend just happens to be a mother. He thinks the kids are the gravy on the meat loaf. A guy calls in to ask Pugs if sharing his bed with children is the most beautiful thing. Pugs laughs and then remembers that he actually said that he slept on the floor too. Amy calls in to say that it's all cute when their little but it's not so much fun when she's 13 and climbing into bed. She explains that their house was broke into a few months ago and now her daughter is scared. She now has a 9 year old and a thirteen year old in her full size bed. She tells us that she just looks at the ceiling and wonders why she's single. Chris calls in to wonder when Pugs is going to marry her. Pugs thinks that he likes the Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell relationship. It's just like a marriage but without all the crappy marriage parts.

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Kelly's dog might be moving out. She thinks that she needs more activity then she gets at Kelly's house. She says that there is a guy named Mike that has a ranch and some cattle she can play with. Kelly explains that her dog is bored so she becomes restless. Pugs points out that she has toys, a yard, and two children to play with everyday. He thinks Kelly needs to come to terms with her retarded dog. Kelly thinks that her dog will like living on the farm. Pugs is skeptical about the existence of an actual farm. Kelly wants to get a dog that will provide he with more security. They had a family meeting and decided they wanted a rottweiler. PUgs thinks that's good. He says that he was very much against large bad ass dogs until he started hanging out with his girlfriend's pitbull. Kelly explains that her boyfriend wanted a rottweiler so she fears that she may have stolen his breed. Pugs reminds everyone that he called dibs on an English bulldog. I'd like to point out that dibs is very important. Kelly says that the rott would be good in case anybody is breaking into her home. Pugs thinks she could get a shark tank and put it by the front door. If anybody tries to come in, she could just tip it over on them. Pugs thinks that her boyfriend is an idiot for wanting a dog with all the traveling that he has to do. He explains that Kelly deserves the dog to help protect her family. He thinks she needs a good dog to replace her bum dog. Kelly tells us that her dog doesn't ever bark at anybody coming into the house. She says that she has never barked at me for breaking into the house.... it's true, at the old house, I broke in, with permission, while nobody was home and had access to the whole house. The neighborhood watch also didn't call the police.... Pugs thinks Kelly should get a Mastiff. Kelly thinks it looks like a drooler. Pugs admits that they do drool a lot. He explains that their big dumb happy go lucky animals that would rip the head off anybody foolish enough to break into her house.

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Pugs and Kelly discuss days of the week. It's kind of like a cure song only with the word "dodgeball" thrown in a lot. Kelly is tired of seeing Tom Cruise being all cheery and sincere. She thinks that his "love" for Katie Holmes is a sham. She also thinks that he has no personality at all. She explains that great actors don't have any character of their own. Pugs wonders if Tom Cruise is a great actor. He doesn't think he's that great. Pugs thinks that Brad Pitt is a good actor and so that would make him pretty vapid. Pugs watched Meet Joe Black again and Kelly wonders if that's the one with David Spade. Sybil informs Kelly that she's thinking of Meet Joe Dirt. Pugs and Kelly lose interest in their discussion. Patty calls in and admits that she's about to say "G.D." in front of her kids. Kelly is having problem with her power cord and it keeps dying. I had the same problem before I spilled water on my lap top. It's not fun. Kelly wants to stay in Fort Worth over the weekend so that she can go to her favorite pizza joint in the whole wide world. It's in Bedford. Justin calls in to ask if Kelly is going show her knockers to Russ Martin. Kelly says no. Kelly is thinking about getting hypnotized but Russ won't let her unless she flashes him. Pugs got hypnotized once and believes that people can actually reach that state of mind. Eric admits that he faked it on the air two years ago. Pugs doesn't even remember. Pugs explains that he was hypnotized in a deprivation tank over an 8 our period. Brian calls in to say that he tried to get hypnotized at a comedy club in Fort Worth but he was too drunk. He says that his friends got hypnotized. Sure, it wasn't just xanex? Xanex and booze does that. I kind of just zone out for what seems like 10 seconds but I wake up a day later with people mad at me.

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Brian calls in to ask if a you see a woman in an office setting, who is dressed very well, and she has 12 inches of toilet paper sticking out of her, do you tell her? Kelly and Pugs agree that you have to tell her. Brian is upset because he doesn't want to do it. Pugs doesn't think she'll be mad but Kelly thinks she'll be mad. Pugs doesn't think that she doesn't have any reason to be mad. Pugs thinks that he should grab it and Brian says that it's too late. Pugs brings up Kelly's sexual exception list. Chris Matthews was on the list. Pugs brings up how Chris Matthews did a hardball live at 8 PM last night. They play a clip where Chris Matthews thought he was off the air. He's being a little dicky to somebody but it's not bad. He's just snapping at somebody for being unprofessional. Pugs brings up how he's the only one in the world that thinks that Stevey Nash reminds him of Kelly Leeks from the Bad News Bears... no, I say that every time I see him. I made some lame comment about cigarettes and motorcycles at Dirk's first ever Pre-season game like 8 years ago. I think it may have been against the suns. It was kind of lame. I tried to heckle Dirk and I think I got to him. I told him that Germany sucks. Yeah, I bet that stung. .... They play a clip of Steve Nash saying that head coach of the Chicago Bulls is the only one that says that. Pugs reminds us that Steve Nash lived here in Dallas for a long time while Pugs has been saying that the whole time. That proves that Steve Nash doesn't listen to the Pugs and Kelly show. Pugs brings up how when star wars movies come out, idiots hurt themselves trying to recreate the movie. Two douche bag kids are critically injured after a homemade light saber blew up spewing burning gas all over them. It was a 17 year old girl and a 20 year old boy. Kelly thinks that fluorescent lights do look like light sabers but remind us that when you hit them against things, they tend to explode. The man is suffering with burns to over 40 percent of their body. The burns were so bad that the couple had a 50 percent of survival. Pugs and Kelly agree that this is a thinning of the heard. Some nerd calls in to say that there is a man that will make you a replica light saber that cost 350 bucks. Kelly thinks that they should be illegal. Pugs and Kelly agree that there should be light saber control just like gun control. In Springfield, Illinois, a man wearing a Darth Vader outfit robbed a movie theatre. No weapons were displayed and there are no suspects. Darth Vader will walk... he's famous. Famous people always get off. People dressing up to go see Star Wars is kind of like how I drank rum and picked fights during Pirates of the Caribbean. Kelly wonder if she could take her kids to see it because she's heard that it gets pretty dark. A bunch of people call in to say that it's not bad. I don't know. Paco got a little bothered and I don't think that kids should pay attention to a part in the middle and the very end. We're two of the sickest individuals that you can meet. Paco wrote about it HERE at Team Wilco. Kelly says, in an attempt to get off Star Wars, that her son asked her about strippers. Pugs wonders where he heard that term and Kelly says that he was listening to Kid Kraddick. Pugs is surprised that he heard "strippers" on the family friendly morning show. Kelly told him that she'd tell him but not when his sister was in the car. Pugs thinks that they should call into that show and have them explain it. He also assures Kelly that he'll know in a few years when his sister takes up that occupation. Kelly worries because McKenna is learning to dance from the Dallas Desperado dancers.

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Kelly notices that her wrist action isn't as good as Pugs' wrist action. Pugs brags about his wrist versatility. Kelly is planning a day trip with her boyfriend for Memorial day. She wants it to be cheap. She also doesn't want to go to Austin to listen to no-name bands and look at ugly hippie chicks. Eric brags that he's going to Waxahachie.. what a bragger. Pugs is staying at Ameriquest Field. Kelly warns Pugs that they close it and don't like of people to sleep on the field. Pugs suggest that Kelly rent a lake house and Kelly tells him that her boyfriend isn't comfortable with swimming. Pugs is shocked because he thought everyone from Wisconsin are good swimmers. Kelly doesn't understand how he can jump out of airplanes but doesn't feels scared about swimming. Pugs wonders if he can get the barb wire designed floaties. Pugs says that he and Tammy stayed at a hotel this weekend. Pugs brags that he didn't abandon his post surgery girlfriend to hang out with Emil this weekend. Kelly says that she was sure that he was going to do that and Pugs assures her that the valium kept him loyal. Pugs tells us that Tammy is doing very well but she was wondering where her valium went. She told Pugs that she only took 5 and Pugs told her that he only took 5 too. Pugs says that he didn't drink this weekend except for that glass of wine he had to cut the valium edge. He realized that it actually amplified it though. He tells us that they just slept all weekend. Pugs was trying to stalk the Phoenix Suns on Friday night. He noticed that the coaches were in the lobby and figured that the Suns would come out in about 20 or so minutes. He wondered what he could do for 20 minutes and thought the best option was "more valium". He then fell asleep and missed his chance to heckle the Suns.... Damn you Pugs, it's your fault that the Suns won. We all know you have the power of the mafoogie. You gave Greenday the positive mafoogie. We needed you to give the suns the negative mafoogie.... Tammy calls to wonder if Pugs had said "they'd" slept all weekend or if just he slept all weekend. She also complains that half her narcotics are gone. Pugs scolds her for leaving them around the hotel room and damns the room service maids. Tammy says that they never went into the room. Pugs assures her that she's going to be fine. Kelly reminds Pugs that he's not a doctor. Tammy doesn't think she can be fine with 3/4 of her pain medication gone. Tammy also reveals that Pugs called Dr. Schwartz to ask how much he could take. He asked the good doctor if Tammy could take two and Dr. Schwartz told him that he'd recommend the suggested dosage. He then said that he is sure that doubling up won't kill her though. Pugs thanked him and popped two pills. He says that he consulted a doctor so it's OK. Kelly scolds him further. Pugs says that he was really stressed out over having to take care of his girlfriend so he had to take something to help him relax. Pugs thinks that he needed all the sleep because he feels great today. Kelly wonders how post-op Tammy feels without her medication. Pugs thinks that she should thank him for taking care of her. Tammy thanks him. Pugs brags about how he was a graet boyfriend when he was awake. He estimates that out of the 72 hours, he was probably awake for a good 10.

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It's now time for the Pugs and Kelly Institute for Human Growth and Development. This guy is 40 and is happily married. He's a big fan of the band Nine Inch Nails. He paid big money for tickets to their Houston concert and brags that they're front row, lower balcony. Pugs thinks that means that's the best of the loser seats. His wife backed out of going to the concert with him a week before the concert. He asked all his friends but nobody wants to accompany him. He wonders if it'd be wrong to find a babe to join him. He assures us that he doesn't want to cheat. He just wants to have some eye candy to hang off his arm and wants to show off. He adds that he's having a hard time finding a "babe" to go with him to the concert. He says that he'd like for babes to call in if they're interested in going with him. Kelly says that he doesn't want to cheat but isn't interested in finding a guy to go with. Pugs wonders who the hell he'd be showing off to because he doesn't know anybody. Francis tells Pugs that this e-mailer has been trolling the chatroom to see if any women want to go with him. Pugs says that Nine Inch Nails is too scary to see with a stranger while out of town. Kelly thinks it's wrong to date while you're married. Pugs thinks that if he wants a babe then he's going to have to find an escort. Kelly thinks that he's behind the 8-ball because finding a girl that wants to see Nine Inch Nails that's also hot is going to be hard. She thinks that their fans aren't the prettiest of people. The E-mailer calls in and says basically and misuses a lot of words. He says that he doesn't want to cheat and doesn't want an escort. He says that he doesn't want to have an affair... over and over and over and over.... He says that Pugs and Kelly are misrepresenting him. Then he explains the same crap that Pugs just read. He says that he's on the road to Houston right now and he's alone. He has an extra ticket. he's giving it to his friend Nolan. Pugs thinks that it's even stupid to ask this question. The E-mailer, Scott, says that he brought it up with his wife and eventually she said, "fine, if that's what you want to do!". Kelly teaches him that when a woman says "fine, if that's what you want to do," doesn't really mean that it's fine and that you can do what you want to do. Scott's phone craps out. Kelly thinks that he was definitely looking for a little something something. Martin calls in to wonder if Scott is really that stupid. He wants to take a stranger to Houston to see a band who's big hit has a lyric that says "I want to F*** You like and animal". Ashley calls in to say that she'd like to go see Nine Inch Nails. Pugs thinks it's nuts that she'd get into a car and ride for several hours to see a concert. She says that it'd be worth it if it was a good band. I hear some kids in the background... thank God, mommy is so responsible with her life.... Ashley says that if he met him and thought he wasn't cool then she wouldn't go. Kelly wonders what distinguishing features would determine coolness. Pugs thinks that if he has a reasonable explanation for the shovel, duct tape, and trash bags in his trunk then he's cool. Pugs and Kelly teaches Ashley that she shouldn't get into cars with strangers even for Nine Inch Nails tickets.... but I'd like to add that it's totally OK to help a stranger find his lost puppy, or play with his toys in the back of his white van, Oh, and if a guy walks up with you and tells you that your mom sent him to pick him up then you better go. Your mom is probably drunk and this is some loser that she's banging. You know your mom is a drunken whore....

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Pugs has an E-mail from a guy that says that they're acting really old lately. He thinks their thoughts concerning going to a Nine Inch Nails concert. The e-mailer says that older people would rather be right instead of young and free. That might be the dumb dumbest comment I've ever heard. Wow, I'm young and I'd never hang out with a stranger for a long period of time. Hell, I don't even like hanging out with my friends for a long period of time.

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