Kelly had to go to the Gynecologist this morning. She thinks a good smear is a great way to start the morning. Pugs doesn't know what a pap smear really does. Kelly talks about what a doctor does to your vagina. It's all medical and crap. I'd much rather here about what the love doctor does to a vagina. Hell yeah, love doctor.... Kelly says that they do a breast exam too. Pugs wonders if he touches the nipples. Kelly says that they start from the outside and work in. They also squeeze the nipple to see if anything comes out. Pugs thinks that is incorrect and Kelly says that she'll bring it up with the doctor then. Kelly adds that he did say, "Dr. Schwartz did some fine work,". Pugs thinks that's a bit strange. He wonders why men don't have penis doctors. Kelly reminds him that there are more penis doctors but it's more socially acceptable to work on the 'gina. Pugs brings up that tonight is dodgeball and he doesn't have any clean dodgeball shirts. Kelly reminds him that he has several dodgeball shirts. Sybil and Pugs were talking before the show about that fact. He explains that his girlfriend has been recovering from surgery so she can't do any laundry. Pugs says that he's serious when he says that his girlfriend loves to do laundry. Kelly thinks that she just likes it when it's done. Pugs points out that other women just say, "do your own laundry, she isn't here to be your laundry girl,". Pugs reminds us that some women like to take care of their men and his girlfriend just happens to like the laundry aspect. He knows it sounds like she's her slave but that's not the case. Kelly reminds Pugs that he knows that she couldn't do it and wonders why he doesn't do it himself. Pugs tells her that he likes the way Tammy does his laundry. He thinks she knows the "ancient Chinese secret". Pugs thinks that she cleans his place because she feels more comfortable being there when it's clean. Kelly won't clean her boyfriend's house but she'll help him find a cleaning lady. Pugs says that he's having sex with his cleaning lady. Kelly is shocked that he could say that. Pugs clarifies by saying that if he wasn't in a relationship with her then he'd have a cleaning lady that did all the things that she would does. Sybil reminds Pugs that she's more than a cleaning lady, she's also his girlfriend. Kelly thinks that "a cleaning lady that you have sex with" sounds like something you can get from the back of the observer. Tammy calls in and Pugs guarantees that she misinterpreted what he said. Pugs wonders if she was offended when he said that and Tammy lets him know that she was offended. Pugs doesn't see how that's offensive especially since she hasn't been over to clean in weeks. Pugs wonders how long this recovery is going to take. He also demands to know when they can have sex again. He explains that he thinks that this is a big plot in order to get out of sex. Tammy recalls that she was the one that tried to climb on top of him the other night but he decline her carnal invitation. Pugs reminds us that everything she does is painful. She says that it only hurts if you touch her chest or her mid section. Pugs doesn't understand how sex is suppose to work then. He says that she complains that her water is out of reach and now she demands a banging. Pugs wants to know when she's going to do laundry again and She reminds him that she did it last week. He complains that it's at her house. Kelly wonders if he wants her to carry it to his place. She reminds Tammy that she's suppose to be the delivery service and the cleaning lady. Pugs tells us that she works in Fort Worth so there is no chance of her going to his place to throw a load in during lunch. Pugs assures her that there is no need to worry because he won't dump her just because she won't do the chores. Tammy fails to see the good in that statement. Women are so hard to please. Pugs quickly changes the subject and tells us that they were looking at dogs on the internet last night. He thinks them getting a dog together is a big step. Pugs explains that they're going to raise it together. Tammy asks Kelly if she knows what that means. Kelly explains that means that Tammy will raise it and Pugs will play with it for 3 minutes and then sits down. Pugs thinks that it also means that he gets to name it. Kelly thinks that kids get to name it. Pugs hopes the kids have a check book because he wants to name it. He wants to name it Urlacher, Ditka, or Butkus. Kelly points out that kids can't say "Urlacher" so it'll be either dick or butt.

*break*

Kelly got a dog yesterday. She has pictures to show Pugs. Pugs thinks it's cute. Kelly explains that she is half lab and half rott. Pugs doesn't think she looks like she has any lab. The dog's name is Shay... just like the porn star.... Kelly says that the name Blacky was thrown around but she realized that was a bad name to yell around the neighborhood. Pugs thinks that it's better than naming it "The Jew". Pugs wants to bring his dog over to see if they get along. He wants to know that his dog can get along with other dogs. Kelly still wants a bull mastiff. She's planning on getting one. Kelly wonders if she should get another girl or a boy. Pugs thinks that two girls would be too competitive.

*break*

Pugs' spam thing is full. Kelly feels fabulous. Pugs feels rejuvenated. He laid in bed and watched TV for 48 hours. Kelly says that she hasn't seen him all weekend and Pugs replies that he's OK with that. Kelly got rid of her dog. She went to live on the farm. Pugs is still unsure about the existence of this "farm". Kelly assures him that it's true and Pugs reveals that he's harboring some painful memories of his mother telling him that his dog is living on a farm. Kelly complains that her dog didn't even say goodbye. Pugs thinks that the dog is happy that she has owners that won't beat her. Freddy calls in to say that it was cool to meet Kelly at the Chicago Place in Bedford over the weekend. Kelly loves the food there. Pugs is getting an American Bulldog. He was going to go with the English bulldog but he thinks that during this time of war, he should go with the American type. Kelly reminds us that is the kind that has red, white, and blue fur. Pugs points out that they don't need a lot of evidence to attack either. He adds that the English bulldog will just do what he sees the American bulldog do. Kelly was at the Fort Worth humane society over the weekend and saw some cute mastiff mixes. They were really cute but were too timid to say hello. They just huddled in the corner, shaking. Pugs thinks that they were acting like they were in war for too long. They were told that they'd be home for Christmas but then memorial day comes. Kelly wonders what the hell Pugs has been watching. Pugs had a dog situation over at Pugs west over the weekend. Ladyfriend and he decided that it's time for one of the dogs to go to the farm. Gia, the pitbull, is taking a hike. They've determined that it was her dog, Gia, that couldn't act civil with Pugs' dog Blue. They have a system in which they keep the dogs separated at all times. Kelly thinks it's hard and emotionally draining. Pugs says that it's a little tougher on him. The pit bull managed to come into the house. She saw Pugs' dog eating out of her bowl and Gia snapped. Pugs reminds us that his dog is a husky/timber wolf mix and she's fighting a pit bull. Tammy's 4 year old daughter was trying to break up the fight. Pugs points out that the dogs didn't get a scratch on her. He and Kelly agree that dogs have a great sense of themselves. Pugs picked up the pit bull and threw it in the sink. What he didn't realize was that the sink was filled with butcher knives. He thinks that the dog may have been stabbed in the paw. His dog was trying to jump into the sink to get at Tammy's dog. Tammy was outside grilling steaks completely oblivious to the carnage inside. She eventually came inside to help. Pugs turned to the 4 year old, who was upset, but he didn't notice that his dog ran outside with Tammy and her dog. The only thing Tammy could do was jump in the deep end of the pool with her dog. Blue had the pit bull's entire head in her mouth while she jumped in the pool. The dogs jumped out of the pool and kept fighting. Pugs grabbed his dog and put it in the bedroom. Blue climbed up into the bed and feel asleep. Tammy told Pugs later that night that her dog would be going to the same farm that Kelly's dog went to. Pugs tells us that he is against this because he loves that dog. He says that she's smart, young, and fun. He explains that his dog is in the "get off my lawn" stage of her life but she still manages to be friendly. Gia is going because she's the aggressor. Pugs plays a clip of Parcells explanation of "Jap Plays" in describing the way Gia attempts to take out Blue. He says that the dog must have learned Jap plays from living in that Jap house. He lets us know that she pearl harbors all over the place. Pugs is sad. He wonders if they can make two dogs that hate each other get along. Pugs shows Kelly a picture of Pugs and Gia sleeping together. He lets us know that the dog cuddles with him better than his girlfriend does. Kelly complains that she picked her dog like she picks her men, emotionally distant. She says that she likes them but doesn't that much. Kelly says that it's depressing without her around. Tim calls in to say that you should never have a pit bull without another type of dog. He explains that they're dog killers. Pugs wants to know his credentials. Tim says that he's trained 20,000 dogs. Pugs and Kelly find that hard to believe. Tim says that it's only 40 dogs every two weeks for 12 years. Pugs and Kelly still find that hard to believe. Tim's cell phone breaks up so we don't have to hear his lying ass. Pugs thinks that both dogs think they're the protector of the kids so there is probably no way to fix this. He tells us that Gia can open doors so they have to deadbolt the doors too. She's kind of like the raptors in Jurassic Park but it sounds like she keeps getting her ass kicked.

*break*